Dear Reese,
There are rumors abound that say that you are secretly dating Jake Gyllenhaal. Now while I have admired you and been a big fan of yours for a long time, I find it hard to believe that you would betray me in such a fashion. Everyone knows that Jake is my man. He loves me and would never see someone behind my back. I know how the paps like to start these rumors so they can sell photos of you and Jake, so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. But not without a stern warning. If these rumors at all prove to be true, then you should know what you are in for. I do not take kindly to having some backwoods hick trollop from Mississippi or wherever the hell you're from thinking she gonna take my man. So unless you want to keep that wig you got stitched into that head, I suggest you keep your distance.
You've been warned. Say hi to the kids, send them my love.
XOXO-
Carrie B.
posted by Carrie Broadshoulders at Tuesday, April 03, 2007
2 Comments:
I've got your back.
Hey, y'know Reese actually was valedictorian of her class in high school and attended Stanford?
Not exactly bumble f*ck anywhere (but it was really dumb of her not to get a prenup since she's worth ten times Ryan Phillipe)
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