The Breakup Mix

You know how songs have a weird way of taking you back to a time or a place as soon as you hear them? Isn't it weird how when you are going through a breakup and you're walking around trying to "pick up the pieces" or put your life back together, you always find a way of throwing up roadblocks to really getting over someone? When the ex and I split, I created a "Breakup Mix" playlist in my iTunes library that has the following songs:

Tonight The Heartache's On Me Dixie Chicks
If You're Not The One Daniel Bedingfield
1,000 Oceans Tori Amos
Sugar, We're Goin Down Fall Out Boy
Breathe Me sia
Opening Gustavo Santaolalla
Fallen Sarah McLachlan
Love is a Battlefield Pat Benatar
Breathe (2 AM) Anna Nalick
I Will Not Forget You Sarah McLachlan
The Song Remembers When Trisha Yearwood
Alone Heart
I Love You Sarah McLachlan
The Chemicals Between Us Bush
You Were Mine Dixie Chicks
Let Go Frou Frou
Comedown Bush
The Wings Gustavo Santaolalla
Some Say I'm Running Martina McBride
Once You've Loved Somebody Dixie Chicks
Brokeback Mountain 1 Gustavo Santaolalla
Because of You Kelly Clarkson
Still Holding On (With Clint Black) Martina McBride
Lonely No More Rob Thomas
Northern Lad Tori Amos

Yeah, don't make fun of my music choices please...it's eclectic, I know. Some of the songs you might ask yourself what they have to do with a breakup...possibly nothing except that the song reminds me of him. It's amazing to me how small things will just bring such grand emotions. This weekend, while shopping, I stopped into Sephora to see if I could find a new scent for the winter and happened to pick up a certain cologne that a certain person wore a lot and for whatever unknown reason decided I needed to spray it on my shirt. I walked around all day and every so often get a drag of him. Why do we do these things?

When he and I first started dating, it was a long time into our relationship before I really began to open up. It had been quite a long time since I had seriously dated anyone and my self confidence has never been anything remarkable and I was worried that I would fall too quickly. So I kept distance. Waited. When was the ball going to drop? Certainly he'd realize that I'm not all that he thinks I'm cracked up to be and he'll run off with the first hot guy who cuts eyes at him in the bar. But he didn't. He stayed. I ended up telling him I loved him first. Which amazed me frankly considering it took a while for me to even be sure I wanted to be in a relationship. He is younger than me and hadn't really dated much so I worried that he'd need to sow his oats before he could really mean it when he said he loved me too. After a year and a half, the fear, the dread, the anxiety subsided and I began to really feel comfortable. Then it happened...as soon as I really opened up and said to myself, he's the one, he's who I will be with forever...he said he wasn't happy, we didn't communicate and this wasn't working. And then he was gone. We had just moved in together.

Now I'm left picking up pieces, wondering where it went wrong, what I missed, how he could say he loved me and leave. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend by any stretch of the imagination. I was moody and pissy and could throw tantrums at inopportune moments. But what girl hasn't' done that? ;) I thought he was used to that, I thought you loved someone for who they were even when they were being a raging bitch. I guess I was wrong.

So now I'm sitting here, nearly midnight, listening to my breakup mix and wondering where it went wrong...how could I have missed what was really going on. I went from Miranda to Charlotte to Carrie in a matter of two years. Cynical, unapproachable, cold, stoic to hopeful and happy and optimistic to wondering what the hell happened and why I am alone in front of a computer banging my head against the desk. My therapist and I are doing everything possible to keep me from reverting back to Miranda or turning into a raging Samantha. I'll keep you updated.