Ready or Not

Doc finally landed back in America this weekend. I was very excited about getting to see him again. I met him for dinner Friday night after going out with friends for drinks. He had been sick the last few days of his trip and still was not feeling that well. Dinner was nice and then we went back to his place. It was nice to wake up in the morning beside him and neither of us having to get up and run to work or what not. We have not had many opportunities to do that together. We spent the better part of Saturday together and then I went home to relax. I thought there was a chance we'd see each other Saturday night but he had still not been feeling well and so I decided to hang out with my friends instead and give him his alone time.

Yesterday was such a nice day so after some shopping with a friend we met up with a third friend, ate dinner then found a place to sit outside and knock back a few half-priced bottles of wine. Doc showed up, met my two friends and had a few margaritas. It was nice for some of my closer friends to finally meet him. I have no idea what they thought of him, but I'm sure I'll hear about it soon enough. After the friends checked out and went home, Doc and I were going to go see a movie. All day around him and even earlier this weekend, as nice as it was, something had me uneasy. I wasn't sure what it was.

I have found through my dating years that I have a very good intuition about things. If I have an instinct that something is wrong, I'm usually right about it. I sense and pick up on things that others might not even register. And normally I would say that is just me looking for something wrong, but usually I'm right about the feelings I get. After being so deceived by my ex because I refused to believe in my instincts and trust them, I am even more cautious now. I don't think I could handle going through what I went through again with the ex. So having sensed that something was wrong and not really being sure what it was, I decided to ask Doc what was going on between us. I recognize that his job is very important to him...his career is clearly the most important thing in his life and it seems it has been so in detriment to his personal life. I personally have no issues with someone who works a lot or travels a lot. I don't need a lot of together time to be happy. I just want to know that when we are together, that's where we both want to be and that when we're not together, we're not with other people. It takes very little to satisfy me. I just need to be comforted that I am cared about and that the person I care about wants to be with me, even when we're not together. I'm not really sure how the discussion went. I felt maybe it was too early to even discuss it. But I do think it's justifiable to want to know in basic terms how to define what is going on between us. Are we dating? Exclusively? Should I be worried that he's meeting other guys? It was an awkward conversation. He seemed to feel that I was questioning his dedication to his job versus his personal life, when in reality I was really just wanting to know if he was interested in me at all.

In the end, we parted ways and I went home feeling very uncertain and not sure if we were going to continue seeing each other. I sent him a text message apologizing for ruining our movie night, which has become a bit of a ritual on Sundays for us. I told him that I enjoy being with him and I do want to continue to see him. He ended up calling me and we chatted for a while. I felt better after that chat, but I'm still left with this void...I have no clue what he is thinking. I hate that. I'm not asking him to marry me, I just want to know where he stands in regards to us dating. Where does he see or want this to go? I don't want to vest a lot of time and energy into someone who isn't really interested in something meaningful. I wasted two years of my life on someone who didn't really see a future with me. I won't do it again. I also do not want to get hurt by falling for someone who will never feel that way about me.

So all in all I am confused. I want to see him again for sure, but I think I need to slow things down and proceed with a lot more caution than we've used the last few weeks. I just hate the not knowing part.