Clean Bill of Health...sorta.
As a sexually active (well that's a bit of a stretch but for the purpose of this post, let's assume I am) gay man, it is very important to get tested for the full spectrum of dirty STDs that are running rampant through our community. Okay so that's good advice for everyone I suppose. I will admit however, that I am very slack on getting tested as regularly as they recommend. Part of the reason for this is it is absolutely terrifying and stressful. But finally I tell myself that not knowing if I'm okay isn't going to change the fact I am not if I am not. So why let being scared of knowing keep me from knowing? Well this week I had a visit to see my doctor because I have been having an allergic reaction to something, no clue what and I have had incredibly itchy skin, particularly after the shower. So of course I assume I am dying...or worse, have scabies or something totes disgusting. So I make an appointment to see my doctor and make sure that I'm just OCD and not actually freaking out for any particular reason. Note, I did not make the appointment to get tested for STDs.
The doctor basically said I am just having an allergic reaction to something (duh) and that it is definitely not anything disgusting like scabies. Which I mean I knew all along because I'm a classy and very clean person. I don't sleep with strangers in a roach motel, or the Red Roof Inn. I do it at the Ritz-Carlton. So anyway, I felt much better knowing that I was clean and that I just am having a reaction to something...possibly soap, laundry detergent...something. So he prescribed Zyrtec and some cream or something and told me to try some hypoallergenic products from now on. He then mentioned that I have never had a full physical with his office nor been tested for STDs there. Which is true. I will typically go to Whitman-Walker and make a donation if I'm getting tested simply because it's more anonymous and well was closer to my apartment and frankly easier to get an appointment. And you can get immediate results, at least for HIV. Well the doctor then tells me that itchy skin could be an early sign of Hepatitis...though he didn't specify which type. So of course then I realize I am dying and not only am I dying but it's my liver and now I can't drink. So he decides to run a blood test and check me for Syphillis, HIV and Hepatitis. He tells me the results will be in Tuesday. I have to mentally prepare myself for such tests, I can't just be asked to draw blood on the spot. This throws me completely for a loop and I then know for sure I am a goner. Here I am, having come in for just some dry itchy skin issues and now I have Hepatitis and probably HIV and am going to die sober. And won't know until Tuesday which is just going to kill my weekend.
Well today at lunch with coworkers, I get a phone call. It was loud in the restaurant and I could not hear clearly, but realized it was my doctor and he was giving me my results. I jump up, run outside and ask him to repeat everything he had just said. Turns out, I'm actually not the dirty girl some folks in this city might accuse me of being. I'm clean...no Syphillis, HIV or Hepatitis. So I breathe a sigh of relief and then the doctor goes, "Oh but..."
Uh, stop right there. There are no "but"s. Not on the phone. You don't call people with "but"s, especially not if you're a doctor delivering test results.
He says my liver has high levels of something...he named it but for the life of me I couldn't tell you what he said and do not recall having ever heard the word before. I responded with concern and interrogated him as to what this meant. Was I going to die? Great, now I'm not even going to die of something I clearly was at risk of having in the first place, but of something no one has ever heard of. Now when my family goes, oh he died of high levels of whatever, they'll be like, ew, what's that?
He reassures me, however, that the level of this whatever is normal, but just in the very high range for normal. Since it was pertaining to the liver, I asked again if he was sure it was not Hepatitis. He assured me it was not, that all other levels for the liver are perfectly normal. He basically said it's no big deal, which made me wonder why he was telling me at all. If it's normal, but maybe in the high range, why tell me? What causes this? How can it be fixed? I didn't ask any of these questions because I just wanted to get while the getting was good. I'll call back next week to discuss.
It's now clear to me that this issues exists because I'm an alcoholic. I have immediately informed all of my friends that the race to liver failure is on and I'm clearly leading the pack. In the age old debate over whether my lungs or liver will fail me first: Liver - 1, Lungs - 0. To celebrate my cleanliness, I think drinking will be on my agenda this weekend. That has to be good for the liver.
In conclusion, Carrie is a classy broad with spotless lady bits. And don't any of you forget it.
The doctor basically said I am just having an allergic reaction to something (duh) and that it is definitely not anything disgusting like scabies. Which I mean I knew all along because I'm a classy and very clean person. I don't sleep with strangers in a roach motel, or the Red Roof Inn. I do it at the Ritz-Carlton. So anyway, I felt much better knowing that I was clean and that I just am having a reaction to something...possibly soap, laundry detergent...something. So he prescribed Zyrtec and some cream or something and told me to try some hypoallergenic products from now on. He then mentioned that I have never had a full physical with his office nor been tested for STDs there. Which is true. I will typically go to Whitman-Walker and make a donation if I'm getting tested simply because it's more anonymous and well was closer to my apartment and frankly easier to get an appointment. And you can get immediate results, at least for HIV. Well the doctor then tells me that itchy skin could be an early sign of Hepatitis...though he didn't specify which type. So of course then I realize I am dying and not only am I dying but it's my liver and now I can't drink. So he decides to run a blood test and check me for Syphillis, HIV and Hepatitis. He tells me the results will be in Tuesday. I have to mentally prepare myself for such tests, I can't just be asked to draw blood on the spot. This throws me completely for a loop and I then know for sure I am a goner. Here I am, having come in for just some dry itchy skin issues and now I have Hepatitis and probably HIV and am going to die sober. And won't know until Tuesday which is just going to kill my weekend.
Well today at lunch with coworkers, I get a phone call. It was loud in the restaurant and I could not hear clearly, but realized it was my doctor and he was giving me my results. I jump up, run outside and ask him to repeat everything he had just said. Turns out, I'm actually not the dirty girl some folks in this city might accuse me of being. I'm clean...no Syphillis, HIV or Hepatitis. So I breathe a sigh of relief and then the doctor goes, "Oh but..."
Uh, stop right there. There are no "but"s. Not on the phone. You don't call people with "but"s, especially not if you're a doctor delivering test results.
He says my liver has high levels of something...he named it but for the life of me I couldn't tell you what he said and do not recall having ever heard the word before. I responded with concern and interrogated him as to what this meant. Was I going to die? Great, now I'm not even going to die of something I clearly was at risk of having in the first place, but of something no one has ever heard of. Now when my family goes, oh he died of high levels of whatever, they'll be like, ew, what's that?
He reassures me, however, that the level of this whatever is normal, but just in the very high range for normal. Since it was pertaining to the liver, I asked again if he was sure it was not Hepatitis. He assured me it was not, that all other levels for the liver are perfectly normal. He basically said it's no big deal, which made me wonder why he was telling me at all. If it's normal, but maybe in the high range, why tell me? What causes this? How can it be fixed? I didn't ask any of these questions because I just wanted to get while the getting was good. I'll call back next week to discuss.
It's now clear to me that this issues exists because I'm an alcoholic. I have immediately informed all of my friends that the race to liver failure is on and I'm clearly leading the pack. In the age old debate over whether my lungs or liver will fail me first: Liver - 1, Lungs - 0. To celebrate my cleanliness, I think drinking will be on my agenda this weekend. That has to be good for the liver.
In conclusion, Carrie is a classy broad with spotless lady bits. And don't any of you forget it.
posted by Carrie Broadshoulders at Friday, June 23, 2006
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