A Long Road to Somewhere
Last week I went to get a haircut and my hairdresser asked me a question that caught me off guard and has really made me contemplate a lot about where I am right now. He asked, "So, are you dating anyone?" What a simple question that doesn't seem that out of the ordinary, yet it managed to catch me off guard. It's the first time in a very long time anyone has cared to even ask about whether I'm seeing anyone and the first time I realized how long its been since I have actually seen anyone.
I started to count backwards and realized that it has been over 9 and a half months since Ex and I split. In that time, which seems much longer than 9.5 months, I have not been on one single date. Now don't get me wrong, I've fooled around a bit, that's bound to happen, but even that has been pretty limited and meaningless. But a real date. Someone asking me out. Or me asking someone out. Nothing, in 9.5 months.
I have to say that I have not had any interest in asking anyone out. And clearly no one has felt any different about asking me out. That's okay though, I'm used to that. What is odd to me is the fact that it hadn't crossed my mind. I began to think, what if I never want that again? I know I want what I had with Ex when we were together...the love, the comfort, the happiness and stability. The feeling that you've found someone who loves you unconditionally. Now granted, it's clear that the Ex and I didn't really have that since he did not love me unconditionally. Or love me at all. But I felt he did at the time and I know that is something I want again. I feel like I've made great strides in moving on from the Ex. I don't think about him nearly as much, though when I do, I will admit that I still feel a knot in my stomach because of his absence from life. I want to email him to tell him something funny that happened that I know he'd appreciate. Of course I don't and I try to quickly dismiss the thought before I start to miss him. But in the time since he left, I haven't thought about anyone else either. It's not that I don't want someone to share this life with. I think it's the in-between now and that point where I feel like I did with the Ex that scares me. The idea of having to get to know someone that intimately again. It seems like such an effort, such a task and so complicated. The success rate of dating is so low and I am not sure I want or can handle the anguish of putting myself out there again. I wonder if I missed my window as well. Is it too late to find a stand-up guy?
I wonder when I'll ever feel compelled to want to try again. And when I do, how will it be recieved? How hard will it be to find someone to "click" with, even if it's not forever? Maybe it's good that this hasn't really crossed my mind. Maybe I needed time to let myself be comfortable with a life without Ex in it before I worry about letting someone else in.
In any case, I answered the guy who cuts my hair with a resounding "NOPE!" And for the rest of the day, realized that I am actually totally and completely single. And realized that I have no idea how I feel about it.
posted by Carrie Broadshoulders at Wednesday, June 28, 2006
4 Comments:
Welp, based on your middle paragraph it seems like you do know how you feel about being single. It's tough. But easy at the same time.
You reached the perfect conclusion, though. You have to be okay with your life (yourself) without the Ex, or without anybody else, before you move onto someone else.
So many people overlook this part of being single - you have to be happy with yourself before you allow anyone else into the picture... Otherwise you could be relying on them to make you happy, and if it doesn't work out and they leave, you're devestated.
And maybe the best part about becoming happy with yourself is that at that point you attract the best kind of people... so then it's just a matter of wading through all of your options, not waiting for someone else.
So yeah... (sorry for ther ambles and the random comment) you're doing JUST FINE, and keep on truckin'.
ps - last summer was my first single summer in a long time, and it was awesome! whoop it up, if you can.
You'll get your groove back when you are ready. You sound adorable and you are sure to attract someone great when the time is right.
On a side note, I think gay men are so lucky- they get to both pursue and be pursued. Such a fun game!
Listne Lady< you have strenght oozing out your GD pores. The fact that you can post such a wholely naked post about your feelins is a blessing. I've been through something similar. It took me a very long time before I allowed myself to feel anything at all. I almost forgot who I was, Who I was before the relationship and how I had allowed myself to be changed for the sake of someone else's happiness. It's a road honey, and it lasts the rest of your life... But you're durrin just fine.
hey when someone comes along and you click you'll know and you won't even have to question it.
just like mr big & carrie....
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