Worst Movie Ever

Boo!

I am watching what has to be the worst movie ever made. It's called The Shaft and "stars" Naomi Watts in what has to be her worst performance ever. The premise of this pile of trash is that there is a "haunted" elevator in a downtown NYC skyscraper that is killing people. Evidently this conglomerate of old white men that has some sort of military background have created microchips that are fused with dolphin brain material or something that makes machines think. Seriously. Naomi read this script and still agreed to be in this movie.

Some stellar writing that I've experienced so far:

Naomi's Character: I work for the elevator company.
Federal Agent: Yeah and I'm Winnie the Fucking Pooh.

See, there are federal agents involved because the elevator somehow magically ripped it's floor out from under an entire car full of passengers who fell to their deaths. The President comes on TV and says that this is an obvious terrorist attack. Obviously. In fact, my favorite line is when two federal agents are carrying "equipment" up to the roof.

Agent #1: Do you think this elevator is safe?
Agent #2: For your sake, I hope so because I'm not riding in it.
Agent #1 enters elevator with "equipment."
Agent #2: If you see Osama, tell him hi for me.

See, because the Osama reference makes sense since they think terrorists are involved in this killer elevator scenario.

Oh God, another good line:

Naomi to federal agents who are escorting her to a cell in the building (don't ask me where this cell came from in this normal office building): "Oh God! Look! Libyans."
The federal agents pull her to the ground and turn with their guns to kill these Libyans. She was just kidding though. There is no one from Libya anyway. Funny, right? Even funnier because Libya is no longer considered a state that sponsors terrorism. I guess they've learned their lesson after their failed attempt at killing Americans with haunted elevators.

Oh so the main guy in this movie has snuck into the engineering room to "kill" the elevator. He opens up the casing that covers the "brains" of the computer and finds, believe it or not, actual brains that have grown around all the electrical parts and doo dads. So - the elevator starts violently shaking because he's killing it ya know and one federal agent screams, "It's alive!" So then the elevator plunges to the ground floor, severing a federal agent in half before he can get out of the shaft. Damn, this shit is getting good. So yeah, I think the elevator is dead now. Oh and the federal government just figured out that the army guy is behind all this, not terrorists. Doh!

Oh shit, the heart is still beating...the elevator is not dead, just wounded. The main guy is now getting ready to shoot it with a bazooka. You know a movie is rad as hell when people use bazookas to kill the haunted elevator. Army guy is pleading not to kill the elevator.

Agent: "Gun down Gunther. Enough people have died."

Oh shit. The elevator just reached out with a cable and grabbed the army guy! He dead y'all. Then they finally kill the elevator with the bazooka.

Okay maybe I was wrong, this movie is the shit. At least a steaming pile of it. Thank you Starz. You have made this a Friday night to remember.

Okay and now the final scene...a skyline shot of NYC...WITH the Twin Towers. Now remember that one of those agents mentioned Osama. This made me a bit confused. Did anyone think Osama would be referenced in a movie if the Twin Towers were still around? So then I checked and saw this movie came out in 2001. Presumably before 9/11. See Condi! Bitches who made this shit ass movie even knew that Osama was out there and you stood up there and acted like y'all never heard of his ass. Alright for this shit movie exposing the Bush Administration's lies! Lies!!! This also explains why this movie was straight to video. Not because it's absolute filth, but because it was probably considered "insensitive" after 9/11 since it dealt with heavy subjects like terrorism and NYC skyscrapers and well, haunted elevators.

Anyway, thank God I was drunk through most of this. I suggest you all go rent this piece of shit so you too can say you've seen the worst movie ever made.

UPDATE: The next movie up on Starz is The Hillz "starring" Paris Hilton. I may have actually spoken too soon when I said that The Shaft is the worst movie ever. More to come...