And so it is...
Just when I thought that I was starting to really handle and process a lot of the emotions that have been attached to my ex leaving me, I get an instant message from him. Blinking, blinking, blinking...his name...Hey.
I stare at it for at least a minute or two before I can even read it...just stare at his name. In one second, every single emotion I have felt about him, about losing him...they all start to creep to the surface. I click Accept.
I am determined to be very short with him...to not give in...I need to know why he's doing this before I let on that it means anything to me that he's messaging me. After relaying some very generic information regarding the details of his sordid life, I call him out for what he told my friends (see previous post) and why he would do something like that. First he tried to deny it, but I know that what they knew was something they would only know if he told them. He then got extremely defensive. I guess the conversation wasn't going as he intended. Well guess what bud, how do you think I've felt for four months? You think my life has worked out the way I would have intended it? After brushing it off as no big deal and turning it back on me...he moved on to expound further on whatever is going on in whatever life he has now that I'm not a part of...then he decides to really turn the knife. He tells me that he is leaving.
Leaving? Wait, no, you already left. You moved out remember? You're gone...well, except from every other thought I ever have it seems.
No, he means DC. He's moving. Away. To another city. And not anywhere close like Baltimore. To somewhere where the chances of me running into him, seeing him, talking to him...slim...none. For about three seconds, I wasn't even sure how to feel...no feelings rushed forth, no emotions...calm...storm. It took three seconds for me to fall apart all over again. To have the tears come rushing forward, to feel my hands shake, to feel sick to my stomach. All over again. I try to hold the conversation but am slowly melting away, falling apart...finding myself telling him how much I love him and miss him and how I don't know what to say about all of this. I don't know what you want, why you're telling me this. I could sit here and pretend it isn't a big deal, that I don't care. But what if you believe it...and you want me to care? What if you leave because you think I don't care?
It just got more pathetic from there. I fell apart...both in the conversation and sitting here reading it. I've spent an hour or so sobbing over this. It's so sick and fucked up that in one second, so many feelings that you work so hard to get under control and to push away can rush back as if they never left. As if it's the day he told me he wanted to end our relationship...all over again. I know there was some part of me that hoped we'd reconnect. That somehow he'd really miss me. That I wasn't wrong about everything, about who he was and how he felt about me. That he'd believe in us enough that the next time I heard from him, it would be because he wanted me again. And hearing that he's leaving is just confirmation that that just isn't going to happen. And it really fucking hurts. It hurts worse than anything I've felt before. I don't want him to leave. I don't want to know that I'll never have a life with him in it again. I don't want to move on.
He said he didn't want to make me upset (too late) and that he thought it was best he leave me alone. I told him that if he still felt the way about me that he did when he left me, then yes...because I still feel the way about him I did when he left me.
Life is so short ya know...and it sucks that it so often times has to be filled with such sadness.
I stare at it for at least a minute or two before I can even read it...just stare at his name. In one second, every single emotion I have felt about him, about losing him...they all start to creep to the surface. I click Accept.
I am determined to be very short with him...to not give in...I need to know why he's doing this before I let on that it means anything to me that he's messaging me. After relaying some very generic information regarding the details of his sordid life, I call him out for what he told my friends (see previous post) and why he would do something like that. First he tried to deny it, but I know that what they knew was something they would only know if he told them. He then got extremely defensive. I guess the conversation wasn't going as he intended. Well guess what bud, how do you think I've felt for four months? You think my life has worked out the way I would have intended it? After brushing it off as no big deal and turning it back on me...he moved on to expound further on whatever is going on in whatever life he has now that I'm not a part of...then he decides to really turn the knife. He tells me that he is leaving.
Leaving? Wait, no, you already left. You moved out remember? You're gone...well, except from every other thought I ever have it seems.
No, he means DC. He's moving. Away. To another city. And not anywhere close like Baltimore. To somewhere where the chances of me running into him, seeing him, talking to him...slim...none. For about three seconds, I wasn't even sure how to feel...no feelings rushed forth, no emotions...calm...storm. It took three seconds for me to fall apart all over again. To have the tears come rushing forward, to feel my hands shake, to feel sick to my stomach. All over again. I try to hold the conversation but am slowly melting away, falling apart...finding myself telling him how much I love him and miss him and how I don't know what to say about all of this. I don't know what you want, why you're telling me this. I could sit here and pretend it isn't a big deal, that I don't care. But what if you believe it...and you want me to care? What if you leave because you think I don't care?
It just got more pathetic from there. I fell apart...both in the conversation and sitting here reading it. I've spent an hour or so sobbing over this. It's so sick and fucked up that in one second, so many feelings that you work so hard to get under control and to push away can rush back as if they never left. As if it's the day he told me he wanted to end our relationship...all over again. I know there was some part of me that hoped we'd reconnect. That somehow he'd really miss me. That I wasn't wrong about everything, about who he was and how he felt about me. That he'd believe in us enough that the next time I heard from him, it would be because he wanted me again. And hearing that he's leaving is just confirmation that that just isn't going to happen. And it really fucking hurts. It hurts worse than anything I've felt before. I don't want him to leave. I don't want to know that I'll never have a life with him in it again. I don't want to move on.
He said he didn't want to make me upset (too late) and that he thought it was best he leave me alone. I told him that if he still felt the way about me that he did when he left me, then yes...because I still feel the way about him I did when he left me.
Life is so short ya know...and it sucks that it so often times has to be filled with such sadness.
posted by Carrie Broadshoulders at Wednesday, February 01, 2006
5 Comments:
i've been reading your blog now for some time, and everything you just wrote really resonates with me. you may have read about my very similar situationt this year.
i wish i had some advice to give you, but what your doing now, writing it down, getting it out, will help in so many ways. and it's okay to feel a little crazy. and it's okay to cry and to miss him.
my ex (cappuccio)moved to NC to buy a house, live with, someone he cheated on me with. that hurt, especially since it was only five months after he moved out. he's crazy. but anyway, i think one of the best things he could have done for me (although he didn't really do it as a favor) was to move away.
this is YOUR city now. make it yours. have fun, and stay close to your friends. it WILL get easier. hang in there.
Awww, hon.
I was dumped a few years ago in the worst way, too... and like a masochist, I didn't delete my ex off IM. So everytime he logged on, I saw him... and I kept hoping he'd message me. PAINFUL.
Hugs to you-
RC
another helpful thing is to email him with these words "please block me from seeing when you are online". nothing else. just that. i mean, you can delete him from your buddy list, but there's always that temptation to put him back on. but if he blocks you from seeing when he's online...it really helps. i know it sounds kind of trivial. but out of sight and out of town really keeps them out of your mind. honestly.
Awww, Ms. Bradshaw, I hate that you are feeling so down and out right now. I remember being suddenly dumped for no reason by my first (and only) boyfriend a few years ago, and it hurt. Bad.
While I can't know what you are feeling exactly, I do know that things will get better, as trite and unoriginal as that sounds.
Let me know when I can buy you a cosmo as big as your head ...
Matt - yes, I've read your blog for a while now. When my relationship ended, it was a reason why I decided maybe it would be therapeutic to get some feelings out. And while my friends have been supportive, telling me that I'm better off and to have another drink doesn't get me through the rest of the day. I don't think a lot of them understand how it feels because not all have been through it. And I know one day I'll feel fine about all of this. I'll have a more interesting story to relate about further happenings when I get a chance to post today.
RC - thank you! It's nice to know people understand how the little things can really get you down. I have tried hard to delete him from my buddy list. I have. But it lets me know he's alive. And as stupid as it sounds, I do like to know he's there...and presumably doing okay. But maybe now's the time to stop that.
Taylor - a cosmo as big as my head? Sounds like heaven. You're on!
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