Forecast: Warmer Weather

Well from what I hear this weekend was gorgeous. Friday after work I headed down to a favorite bar with outside seating, met up with friends, and drank away in this beautiful weather. It was packed outside with people roaming back and forth and the cocktails were cool and refreshing! I even spotted the ex walking down the street, who waved as he passed. I basically just rolled eyes and looked away from him. I realize now that was probably really unnecessary. I was a little intoxicated though so its harder to act the appropriate way rather than showing how you really feel.

The rest of the weekend I spent inside, believe it or not. I had zero desire to do anything all weekend, which also included going out to find something to do outside for the sole purpose of being outside. While I love the weather we are having, it just to me signals the fact that winter is over and I'm going to have to get ready for the insanely humid and unnecessarily hot weather of summer here in DC. I hate the summers in DC. I sweat at the drop of a hat and the summers here are to me, unbearable. The idea of having to walk to the metro in a suit in the middle of July makes me ill. But it's inevitable.

I am happy though that the Sopranos is finally back on for it's final (maybe) season on HBO. It was a pretty good opening episode. I mean after two years of nothing new, it should have been good! Sundays are quickly becoming my TV night with Grey's, West Wing, Housewives and now the Sopranos! Good! Maybe that will keep me at home instead of at a bar on a schoolnight.

Today at work, I was super productive for a few hours and then found myself cleaning out emails in an old email account I no longer use. I ran across a folder full of emails that the ex and I exchanged in the early stages of our dating. I think the warm weather has kind of perked me up a bit in regards to missing him and feeling like a zero because of everything. I guess maybe it's not as doom and gloom as it was. The emails made my head spin a bit. Reading how excited we were to see each other after work every day and how excited we were about spending the weekend together and how cute the emails were made me really sit back and wonder...what happened? Where did it all go awry? How can you go from walking on Cloud 9 to feeling like you don't even know each other anymore. I miss the person I was when I sent those emails. I miss the person he was when we met. It's like reading a diary you had when you were 12 years old, it just seems so long ago. I can remember without fail exactly how I felt when I typed those emails. I don't feel like that anymore. I'm definitely a changed person. I think what is important is that I take what I've learned from all of this and make myself a better person, changed or otherwise. I know there are a lot of things about my life I want to change. I want to be a happier, better person.

I actually forwarded one of the emails to the ex. I know, that sounds really stupid, but for me it was sort of cathartic. I emailed him and said I found this and it made me smile, which is something I haven't done in a while in regards to the relationship we had. I said I think I had finally gotten over everything - knowing the truth now about what happened. And while reading this makes me really sad, it also makes me realize that I knew back then that it was likely he and I would not work out. We were so clearly in different places in our life. I love him, I will likely always love him. I have thought I was in LOVE before, but since meeting him, I know what love is now and I had it with him. And maybe that isn't meant to last forever. Maybe regardless of how much you love someone, it won't always work. I think had we met a few years later, under different circumstances and came into that relationship with a different perspective than how we did, it would have worked. That's sad to realize, but hey, that is how life is sometimes.

In any case, the warmer weather will hopefully not just bring nasty, sticky summer but a real change in how I feel about myself, life and happiness. If not, well at least I can drink outside now.