Reruns
It has been a bit of time since I have posted...I guess I have been in a bit of a blog funk lately. I have not really been checking my normal favorite blogs for updates and have just kind of avoided my own as well. Just to give a very quick update on the previous posting, I caved the other day and sent a very long email to the ex. I was worried that he would possibly not remember everything that happened the other night and I wanted to be sure that he knew. I told him that he needed help for his drinking, because he was out of control and would hurt himself if he didn't get help. I also told him basically how hurt I was, but not even because he cheated or lied about it, but because when he decided to give me the truth, he did it to hurt me. I told him that it hurt to know that no matter what, at this point, our lives together are completely over. And the reality of this kills me.
I honestly did not expect him to respond, but the following day he emailed me and just said in one sentence that he was sorry, would never be able to convey how much so in an email and that he missed me.
I, in a moment of weakness, said I missed him as well.
Last night, I was at a bar with friends and saw him there. Across the rooms. Chatting away with people. In one second, it was as if the last five months had put no distance between us. I felt sad and it ruined my night. I hated giving him that power, but I didn't have a choice. I grabbed my friends and we headed upstairs. I had to leave so my friend gave me a ride home. On the way I sent the ex a text message asking if he was still at Cobalt. Why? Who knows. He called me when i was home. He was brief on the phone, said he was home alone watching the Olympics. I don't really think he was alone. He hurried off the phone and said he'd call me today. I know that he will not. Why can't I shake this? Why can't I hate him for what he has done? Why isn't this exactly what I needed to get over him and move on? Deep down, I know that if given the chance, I'd still want to be with him and work things out with him. But how would that ever happen? I cried myself to sleep last night. I have to promise myself that I won't do that again.
Anyway - so there's the update. I'd prefer to have something more positive and uplifting to discuss after so long, but there hasn't been much uplifting about the last week.
I honestly did not expect him to respond, but the following day he emailed me and just said in one sentence that he was sorry, would never be able to convey how much so in an email and that he missed me.
I, in a moment of weakness, said I missed him as well.
Last night, I was at a bar with friends and saw him there. Across the rooms. Chatting away with people. In one second, it was as if the last five months had put no distance between us. I felt sad and it ruined my night. I hated giving him that power, but I didn't have a choice. I grabbed my friends and we headed upstairs. I had to leave so my friend gave me a ride home. On the way I sent the ex a text message asking if he was still at Cobalt. Why? Who knows. He called me when i was home. He was brief on the phone, said he was home alone watching the Olympics. I don't really think he was alone. He hurried off the phone and said he'd call me today. I know that he will not. Why can't I shake this? Why can't I hate him for what he has done? Why isn't this exactly what I needed to get over him and move on? Deep down, I know that if given the chance, I'd still want to be with him and work things out with him. But how would that ever happen? I cried myself to sleep last night. I have to promise myself that I won't do that again.
Anyway - so there's the update. I'd prefer to have something more positive and uplifting to discuss after so long, but there hasn't been much uplifting about the last week.
posted by Carrie Broadshoulders at Sunday, February 26, 2006
2 Comments:
You're a sweet, kind, warm person who looks for the good in people. You seem the type that when you open up your heart and love someone, you do it fully. It's understandable that you'd have a hard time healing from this relationship.
My sister's recently-ended relationship, while different that yours, contains many of the same emotions and emotional processes that yours does.
Just remember that you and only you are in control of your emotions and that you heal at your own pace. And that there are still good people just like you out there who are looking for true, enveloping love.
Thank you for that. It's just hard not to feel like you're not progressing like you should when you're going through this alone - when you know no one around you really knows how much you are hurting. So you feel like maybe if they think you should be healed and moved on, then you think you should be.
As expected the ex never called. I'm not really sure what it is that would make me WANT him to call after everything anyway. I guess it's hard to put away feelings for someone no matter how shitty they can be to you.
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