And so it is..continued...

So after the ex signed off last night from IM, a little time goes by, I set my away message and am getting ready for bed. Then I notice that the ex signs on again, but using his more anonymous screenname. I know this screenname because it's the one he had when we first met. So I think to myself, hm, why would he want to be online, but not want to use his normal screenname. I figure its because he thinks I don't have his old one on my buddy list and won't see him. Uh, hello...what kind of amateur does he think he's dealing with? So then I assume that he is on the "chitty chat" as we gays like to call it...it's an online way for menz to meet up with the other menz. It's trashy. But at some point, all gays have gotten on there. In any case, I log into this chitty chat for the specific purpose of seeing if he's on there. I recently had found out that he had been on there even when we were still together. I won't even go into how I felt about all that. I doubt he ever used it for anything but a distraction, but who knows. So I easily and quickly figure out that he's in the "chitty chat" (important to note that he is completely lacking in any creativity and therefore spotting him among hundreds of anonymous monikers is not very difficult). Well I decide I'm going to send him a message (also important to note that the moniker I used is very creative and he would not have known it was me). Before I can even send him a message, he sends one out onto the general room where everyone can see saying he is looking for a hookup. Now let me preface this by the fact that I do not judge folks who randomly hookup or go looking for them. Everyone likes to talk about how trashy these people are, but I would venture to guess that 90% of all gay men have done it. We're men. In any case, it's a whole different story when it's the ex. No he is not on there looking for dick. I do NOT think so.

So I decide I'm still going to message him, so I do. He immediately asks for a picture. I send a fake one, duh. He sends one of himself (which was a cropped photo that originally was of the both of us - how RUDE). We end up having a 30 minute conversation where I'm prodding him for details as to whether he's done this much and what not just to see when the last time it was he did do this. I won't go into any sordid details here...but he doesn't seem to have been screwing around much since we broke up. Which made me feel better. Well he keeps prodding me (though of course he has no idea its me) to come over. And everytime he does, my heart sinks a little bit more. Why? Why are you doing this? Why can't you see that you don't need to do this? You deserve to have a life where you don't have to resort to such measures. You were so unjaded and so innocent when we first met. Why do you need to do this? I want to tell him its me and that he shouldnt' do this, that I know from experience that random hookups give you nothing but a brief tiny insignificant moment of pleasure followed by immense guilt and heartache because you know it is a substitute for something you don't have. The conversation starts to turn in that direction and I try to still pretend that its not me, but I think I was asking too many questions.

While all of this was going on, I was actually sending him messages on IM asking him why he was on the "chitty chat". Now for some reason it took him a good half hour to finally realize that it was most likely me he was talking to. He never called me out for it and I never told him it was me, but I think by the time he logged off the "chitty chat", he knew the person he had been talking to was me. Our conversation on IM was very brief...he got pissed at me for bringing up the fact he was on the "chitty chat", told me it was none of my business and then signed off of there. Yet still chatting me up all the time on the "chitty chat" trying to get me to come over. It was probably the most disturbing and sneaky thing I've done and I feel totally guilty for doing it. But I had to know things I know he wouldn't tell me, yet would tell a total stranger. And he wasn't really looking for a sexual rendezvous...he made it clear he just wanted company and that he was lonely. And that broke my heart as well. When I asked about his ex boyfriend (me), he said that he wished he still loved me but he didn't anymore. :(
Nothing I didn't already know...something that always seems to hurt to much when you hear it.

So I'm a terrible sneaky awful person. I feel bad. I can't help thinking that this will be the final nail in the coffin that contains the remnants of any feelings he had for me...especially if he knows that it was me on the "chitty chat" pretending to be someone else. I also just feel terrible because someone I love so much and care about so much and who I would give anything to still be with, would rather be with some stranger on the street than me. It hurts. And while I always assumed that he was probably frequenting the "chitty chat", I had hoped I was wrong. I also feel terrible for even stooping so low. If I could have let go of all this months ago, I wouldn't have wasted my time.

So I have such mixed feelings and emotions. On one hand, I'm angry, though I have no right to be. He's free to do what he wants. But I'm mad that is who he has become. That he is a jaded bitter whore of a homo...just like me. I had wished for more for him. Had hoped for more for him. I'm also just sad because I want to be the person who is with him. Not someone who doesn't even know him.

So I'm a freak. And a stalker. And clearly in need of some prescription drugs.

Thoughts? I'll likely only leave this post up here for a day. Then I'll delete is so there is nothing there reminding me that I'm a total freak. And reminding all of you.