La Douleur Exquise

"We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it's not an actual date."

I have not felt like writing much lately which is why my postings have been rather juvenile and there more to keep it up and provide humor rather than really discuss anything important going on in my life. I have been in a particularly downer mood the last few weeks and have had a lot of things rambling around in my head that I have not really felt like discussing. I'm sure that happens to most of us. I think a big part of it is that it was basically one year ago almost to the day when the Ex and I split up. While I know I have really moved on, there will always be a part of me that will wish he and I had worked out. I still miss him very much. It is very hard for me to believe that it has been an entire year simply because the pain I feel when I think about everything that happened is still very strong. I can recall vividly that first week after we broke up, how utterly demolished I was. I cried non-stop day and night, didn't go to work, lost 10 pounds because I wasn't eating and feeling so completely out of control over the situation. I think now the feelings are less about him but more about the comfort and happiness of being with someone who you at least thought cared about you. That isn't the only reason I've been Debbie Downer the last few weeks I'm sure, but it certainly has added to the gloomy days.

It hasn't been all bad however. I have been spending some time hanging out with someone I met not too long ago. Our hanging out has been strictly on a friendly basis, having only met because of some random coincidence. What is so weird is I've had such a good time hanging out with him that I think I am finding myself attracted to him. Okay, more than think, I know I am attracted to him. This is unfortunate because I know the feelings are not mutual. We seem to have a good time hanging out together and conversation flows easily and all my friends really seem to like him. I do not understand why we can meet someone who seems so perfect, yet know that there will never be anything more than friendship between us. Why is it always one-sided?

This weekend we went out together Friday and Saturday and then spent the day together yesterday. Yesterday really was one of those perfect dates that really wasn't a date. We had brunch then watched tv all day, grabbed some dinner that we ate while watching a show we both love. It was a great time.

I know I am treading in dangerous water allowing myself to spend so much time with him and knowing that I am beginning to feel things for him that I should not. I know deep down that he does not and will not feel the same way for me. How do you pull back from a situation like that and keep yourself from crossing a line you know you shouldn't cross? Is it too late?

All in all, spending time with him has helped me cope with the sadness I've been feeling the last few weeks, but exposes me to the potential for only more sadness. It dredges up those tenants of insecurity that I can't seem to get away from: Why can't I find love? Why did things with the ex have to end? Will I ever be happy again like I was before last September?