Panic

I think the worst part of a failed relationship, especially when you are not the one who chose to end that relationship, are the irrational, insane feelings that come along with all of the thoughts that race through your head. At any random point in the day, when I take just a second to stop thinking about whatever else I'm doing, my thoughts immediately go to him. Often times these thoughts center on what he might be doing that very moment. Where he is, who he is with, whether he at any time of the day thinks about me like I think about him. The worst part of all this is when I think about whether he is dating someone. Or even worse, just sleeping around. When I have those thoughts, my heart begins to speed up, I begin to tremble and this complete fog comes over me...I feel the worst panic and anxiety I've ever felt. The idea that he is touching someone else, kissing someone else, screwing someone else. Wondering if he cares about them. If he cares about them more than he did me. Wondering how he could be with someone else and not want to be with me. I really thought that with time the moments would pass and I wouldn't stop to think about him as much. But they don't pass. I thought with time the intensity with which I feel this panic and dread would diminish. But it hasn't. I can't seem to shake him. I can't seem to move on. The panic is the worst part of all this. I see him online sometimes. I fight the urge to message him and ask him how he is. I wonder if he feels the same urge. When he signs off, or goes idle, I wonder what he is doing. The panic sets in. Panic. Panic. Panic. Heart beating faster. Faster. Faster. Tears welling up in my eyes. Dread. Panic.

And then I pop a xanax and have a cocktail and order is restored.