It's my birfday...

Happy Birthday to me. Well a little belated. Saturday the world celebrated the gift of Carrie Broadshoulders that was given to the world by some wise deity 20 some odd years ago. As I edge closer to the 30 year mark (otherwise known as walking death in the gay world), I thought I would bestow upon you all some wisdom I have learned (and experienced on Saturday) in regards to birthdays.

1. Don't rely on others to get you what you want. I went shopping and bought myself my own damn birthday gifts. Unless of course others are giving you booze. This is perfectly acceptable.

2. Dinner on your birthday is stupid. Skip dinner, head straight for the booze. The food only takes up precious space where liquor needs to be.

3. Fuck the birthday cake. In lieu of birthday cake, do birthday shots. And blow something, candle or otherwise, just to keep the tradition alive.

4. Liquor is the only acceptable birthday gift at my age. My friends thank God know that and had we not drank every drop that was brought to the party, I MIGHT have been able to restock my liquor cabinet at home. This however was not to pass as we did in fact go through several bottles of booze before leaving for the bars.

5. If you see your boss out while on your birthday, try to remember it, so when he asks on Monday how you felt on Sunday, you know that he's asking because you conversed with him while intoxicated on Saturday. Looking at him and saying, "Oh, did I see you Saturday?" after apparently having a 20 minute conversation with him is not good for your career. This is a lesson I unfortunately did not learn until today. It may also be wise to not slur, "It's my birthday and I want dick for my birthday" to your boss. Especially when you are not actually referring to his dick.

6. When it's your birthday, your friends are not allowed to cock block you. Any attempts to take away dick that you have determined will be in your bed when you wake up the next morning is expressly forbidden. Feel free to yell and read your friends for making any attempts to steal what is rightfully yours. Yelling, "it's my fucking birthday and if anyone is getting his dick, its me. you can have dick when it is YOUR birthday!" is not something to be ashamed of.

7. Do not ever invite coworkers to birthday functions. If you do this, everyone in your office will know how fucking nuts you and all of your friends are by the next business day.

8. Ex boyfriends should not be allowed to be present in the same bar or club (or frankly on the same planet) that you are in when celebrating your birthday. Bouncers and the gays at the door should take note of this rule and apply this whenever possible. Seeing an ex can seriously fuck up your evening.

9. Spooning with a hot man and waking up beside him on the morning after your birthday celebrations is a right.

10. Liquor is fun. And kitchen sinks make good ashtrays. Just take the dishes out first.

That is all.