Gym Bunny Mode
So the last two weeks, I've tried to be in gym bunny mode. Several things have sparked this newfound love for fitness. Okay, not love, I only work out from some sense of necessity. When I graduated from high school, I weighed the most I have ever weighed in my life. I would not say I was FAT, though was a bit chunk and it was proportioned and distributed in the most unattractive way possible. I was simply un-fuckable. Add to that the horrific fact that I also had a terrible complexion and I was SERIOUSLY un-fuckable.
Well I suffered through this for two years of college and then decided I would try to start running at night to lose a little weight. That continued through the summer. Somehow during this time I also found that if I ate less and when I did eat, eat things that were low in fat/calories, I could lose weight as well. I went back to college my third year in the fall and by Christmas had dropped about 45 - 50 pounds. I had also become a raging anorexic. I would eat maybe two meals a day if that and those were very small. I'd have maybe a sandwich with turkey, skim milk cheese and then a Healthy Choice microwaveable meal for dinner. And I'd run at night. This could not have been more than 600 calories/day. I switched all soft drinks to diet soft drinks, all whole milk to skim milk. I bought nothing in the grocery store that had any fat in it. And let me tell you, non-fat Mayonnaise is the nastiest shit on earth. But I ate it. Barely. My complexion cleared up, I bought a respectable pair of glasses and thought I looked good for the first time ever. I did however obsess over food. I hated eating. When I did it was solely for necessity rather than any enjoyment. This continued through college.
I moved to DC shortly after college and for a good two or three years, stayed thin, obsessed over food and rarely ate. It did get better than in college. I ate pizza for the first time in two years after I moved to DC and wanted to throw it all up. I was 6 ft. 1 and 147 pounds. Even then I felt fat. So I decided to start working out. My obsession for food became another obsession with going to the gym. The two obesssions morphed into a rather unhealthy obsession over body and image. If I didn't go to the gym or if I ate anything all day, I wouldn't go out that night because I felt fat. I did manage to put on a tiny bit of muscle. I was never a big weight lifter. Much more of a cardio queen. I would do over an hour on the elliptical every day. 1200 calories. When I was barely eating that much. Slowly I gained a little weight, started eating more, though always something low in fat/calories and I would say three years ago, I was at the best body, self confidence and health I've ever had. That peaked for maybe a year and then went straight to hell.
I gained 20 - 25 pounds since the ex and I met. I stopped going to the gym for the most part so any improvements were lost. But I was still just as unhappy, more so than ever, about the way I looked. So now that I am single again, I'm heading back to the gym. And it's painful. I'm also watching what I eat a lot more. I rarely eat dinner, or if I do it's a light dinner. I have started feeling guilty for eating a bagel with cream cheese in the morning, though they are irresistable to me. I'm at this weird stage where I don't starve myself, but feel incredibly shitty after eating. I go to the gym and its like starting over. It made me so sad the other day to try to do the bench press and not even be able to lift what I could three years ago. But I'm determined to keep up with it now. I cannot seem to drop in weight though. I've weighed myself the last three weeks. No movement. It's starting to piss me off really. I'd like to lose 10 pounds of fat and then build some muscle. Not too much. I'd much rather be lean and toned than muscular. I just doubt that is in my genetics.
In any case, I have been fighting with the urge to fall back into bad habits of never eating and always working out and hating myself the entire time. But now I'm older so it's harder to lose weight, harder to work out and so I find myself far more self conscious than ever before.
Do people really care that much? I always say I hate how gay men obsess over looks and how everyone wants the super hot guy. But I'm the same way. It's really sad. You dont have to have a six pack or big biceps or a bubble butt for me to like you. So why do I think I need any of that? Why is image so important? Maybe the reason why there are so few monogamous gay couples or so few gay couples at all is because we care too much about the outside and not what's on the inside. I know I am as guilty of all of this as any other gay man. I just wish I was a little more successful at being pretty than wanting pretty.
This post was very random. But I'm sitting here thinking about going to the gym after work. I am going to a warm, tropical location very soon and am a bit worried about what I'm going to look like on the beach. More than worried...more like depressed, terrified, nauseated, anxious. I hate this.
UPDATE: SD just called. *sigh* There's motivation to go to the gym.
Well I suffered through this for two years of college and then decided I would try to start running at night to lose a little weight. That continued through the summer. Somehow during this time I also found that if I ate less and when I did eat, eat things that were low in fat/calories, I could lose weight as well. I went back to college my third year in the fall and by Christmas had dropped about 45 - 50 pounds. I had also become a raging anorexic. I would eat maybe two meals a day if that and those were very small. I'd have maybe a sandwich with turkey, skim milk cheese and then a Healthy Choice microwaveable meal for dinner. And I'd run at night. This could not have been more than 600 calories/day. I switched all soft drinks to diet soft drinks, all whole milk to skim milk. I bought nothing in the grocery store that had any fat in it. And let me tell you, non-fat Mayonnaise is the nastiest shit on earth. But I ate it. Barely. My complexion cleared up, I bought a respectable pair of glasses and thought I looked good for the first time ever. I did however obsess over food. I hated eating. When I did it was solely for necessity rather than any enjoyment. This continued through college.
I moved to DC shortly after college and for a good two or three years, stayed thin, obsessed over food and rarely ate. It did get better than in college. I ate pizza for the first time in two years after I moved to DC and wanted to throw it all up. I was 6 ft. 1 and 147 pounds. Even then I felt fat. So I decided to start working out. My obsession for food became another obsession with going to the gym. The two obesssions morphed into a rather unhealthy obsession over body and image. If I didn't go to the gym or if I ate anything all day, I wouldn't go out that night because I felt fat. I did manage to put on a tiny bit of muscle. I was never a big weight lifter. Much more of a cardio queen. I would do over an hour on the elliptical every day. 1200 calories. When I was barely eating that much. Slowly I gained a little weight, started eating more, though always something low in fat/calories and I would say three years ago, I was at the best body, self confidence and health I've ever had. That peaked for maybe a year and then went straight to hell.
I gained 20 - 25 pounds since the ex and I met. I stopped going to the gym for the most part so any improvements were lost. But I was still just as unhappy, more so than ever, about the way I looked. So now that I am single again, I'm heading back to the gym. And it's painful. I'm also watching what I eat a lot more. I rarely eat dinner, or if I do it's a light dinner. I have started feeling guilty for eating a bagel with cream cheese in the morning, though they are irresistable to me. I'm at this weird stage where I don't starve myself, but feel incredibly shitty after eating. I go to the gym and its like starting over. It made me so sad the other day to try to do the bench press and not even be able to lift what I could three years ago. But I'm determined to keep up with it now. I cannot seem to drop in weight though. I've weighed myself the last three weeks. No movement. It's starting to piss me off really. I'd like to lose 10 pounds of fat and then build some muscle. Not too much. I'd much rather be lean and toned than muscular. I just doubt that is in my genetics.
In any case, I have been fighting with the urge to fall back into bad habits of never eating and always working out and hating myself the entire time. But now I'm older so it's harder to lose weight, harder to work out and so I find myself far more self conscious than ever before.
Do people really care that much? I always say I hate how gay men obsess over looks and how everyone wants the super hot guy. But I'm the same way. It's really sad. You dont have to have a six pack or big biceps or a bubble butt for me to like you. So why do I think I need any of that? Why is image so important? Maybe the reason why there are so few monogamous gay couples or so few gay couples at all is because we care too much about the outside and not what's on the inside. I know I am as guilty of all of this as any other gay man. I just wish I was a little more successful at being pretty than wanting pretty.
This post was very random. But I'm sitting here thinking about going to the gym after work. I am going to a warm, tropical location very soon and am a bit worried about what I'm going to look like on the beach. More than worried...more like depressed, terrified, nauseated, anxious. I hate this.
UPDATE: SD just called. *sigh* There's motivation to go to the gym.
posted by Carrie Broadshoulders at Wednesday, March 29, 2006
3 Comments:
The gym thing is awesome - brings out the happy hormones. But this lack of food thing is making me worry about you! I eat little meals five to six times a day...keeps the metabolism running fast. 600 calories a day is going to slow your metabolism down and make you gain weight faster when you do eat...
I can soo identify with you on the anorexia thing. I once went down to 162lbs at 6'3". Yeah I had a size 27 waist, but people thought i was seriously sick. Mental health wise, I probably was. Anyway, just keep it in perspective. I work out now to feel good, not look good.
Well I just scarfed down a bagel with cream cheese. LOL. I think now I've lost the battle of not eating. I do eat, but I hate the guilt that comes with it. Staring in the mirror and wishing you had skipped lunch. And Cookie I know you're right about the metabolism thing. I know it makes no sense not to eat, but it's just the easiest way to feel like you're doing something about your body image.
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