Merry Christmas

Just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! Be safe and look fabulous doing it!

The Breakup Mix

You know how songs have a weird way of taking you back to a time or a place as soon as you hear them? Isn't it weird how when you are going through a breakup and you're walking around trying to "pick up the pieces" or put your life back together, you always find a way of throwing up roadblocks to really getting over someone? When the ex and I split, I created a "Breakup Mix" playlist in my iTunes library that has the following songs:

Tonight The Heartache's On Me Dixie Chicks
If You're Not The One Daniel Bedingfield
1,000 Oceans Tori Amos
Sugar, We're Goin Down Fall Out Boy
Breathe Me sia
Opening Gustavo Santaolalla
Fallen Sarah McLachlan
Love is a Battlefield Pat Benatar
Breathe (2 AM) Anna Nalick
I Will Not Forget You Sarah McLachlan
The Song Remembers When Trisha Yearwood
Alone Heart
I Love You Sarah McLachlan
The Chemicals Between Us Bush
You Were Mine Dixie Chicks
Let Go Frou Frou
Comedown Bush
The Wings Gustavo Santaolalla
Some Say I'm Running Martina McBride
Once You've Loved Somebody Dixie Chicks
Brokeback Mountain 1 Gustavo Santaolalla
Because of You Kelly Clarkson
Still Holding On (With Clint Black) Martina McBride
Lonely No More Rob Thomas
Northern Lad Tori Amos

Yeah, don't make fun of my music choices please...it's eclectic, I know. Some of the songs you might ask yourself what they have to do with a breakup...possibly nothing except that the song reminds me of him. It's amazing to me how small things will just bring such grand emotions. This weekend, while shopping, I stopped into Sephora to see if I could find a new scent for the winter and happened to pick up a certain cologne that a certain person wore a lot and for whatever unknown reason decided I needed to spray it on my shirt. I walked around all day and every so often get a drag of him. Why do we do these things?

When he and I first started dating, it was a long time into our relationship before I really began to open up. It had been quite a long time since I had seriously dated anyone and my self confidence has never been anything remarkable and I was worried that I would fall too quickly. So I kept distance. Waited. When was the ball going to drop? Certainly he'd realize that I'm not all that he thinks I'm cracked up to be and he'll run off with the first hot guy who cuts eyes at him in the bar. But he didn't. He stayed. I ended up telling him I loved him first. Which amazed me frankly considering it took a while for me to even be sure I wanted to be in a relationship. He is younger than me and hadn't really dated much so I worried that he'd need to sow his oats before he could really mean it when he said he loved me too. After a year and a half, the fear, the dread, the anxiety subsided and I began to really feel comfortable. Then it happened...as soon as I really opened up and said to myself, he's the one, he's who I will be with forever...he said he wasn't happy, we didn't communicate and this wasn't working. And then he was gone. We had just moved in together.

Now I'm left picking up pieces, wondering where it went wrong, what I missed, how he could say he loved me and leave. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend by any stretch of the imagination. I was moody and pissy and could throw tantrums at inopportune moments. But what girl hasn't' done that? ;) I thought he was used to that, I thought you loved someone for who they were even when they were being a raging bitch. I guess I was wrong.

So now I'm sitting here, nearly midnight, listening to my breakup mix and wondering where it went wrong...how could I have missed what was really going on. I went from Miranda to Charlotte to Carrie in a matter of two years. Cynical, unapproachable, cold, stoic to hopeful and happy and optimistic to wondering what the hell happened and why I am alone in front of a computer banging my head against the desk. My therapist and I are doing everything possible to keep me from reverting back to Miranda or turning into a raging Samantha. I'll keep you updated.

Gustavo Santaolalla

I don't know who he is...but his score for Brokeback Mountain has struck a nerve.

I downloaded all of his compositions from the soundtrack, created a playlist and have them running on repeat.

Beautiful.

My Heart

I sat in the car that night, waiting for you to come down,
And my heart started pounding with anticipation.
Down the steps you came, with your red jacket on and a cap snug on your head,
And my heart fluttered with nervous excitement.
We spent the evening awkwardly learning all about each other
While secretly my heart was racing to touch you.
We decided to make a night of it, the best night of my life
And my heart melted.

Fast forward some months and time had brought us closer together
My heart relaxed, it slowed and fell into a comfortable rhythm of happiness.
We had fights and arguments and misunderstandings along the way
But my heart remained committed and strong to the love we had built.
We faced some of the toughest times together, family deaths when we both thought our hearts would break, but together we made it through.
We faced our own tough times at home, where my faults surfaced and
Caused your heart to ache.

But every day, when I woke up beside you, and looked over at you, I knew that my heart had found its match in this world.
Every night, when we lay beside each other, my heart would beat firmly with confidence that it belonged nowhere else in the world.
But today, my heart isn’t so confident. My heart aches with the longing of all the lost moments where the chance to make things right has passed.
My heart aches knowing that it is losing oxygen, life, love in you. My heart longs for you to come back, to return and be here where you belong.
My heart cries out that it knows what I have always felt inside but maybe was far too insecure or afraid to say. It is angry with me for driving you away. It wants to stop, to not go on without you.

You are my match. You are my soul mate. You are everything in this world I could hope for in a partner, a lover, a boyfriend. You are everything I want.
You are my heart.

An Unexpected Journey

Fumbling in the dark
reaching for the door,
he's given up on the life, the love,
the truth he's waited for.

Stepping out into a new life
shaking at an unknown start
of an unexpected journey
to mend his broken heart.

Companionless and free
living for himself alone,
he seeks out all the answers
of all the questions on his own.

Saddened by his solitude,
this unexpected journey begins.
He shuts the door behind him,
and escapes to find himself again.

Brokeback Mountain

I know - it's been a few days since I've posted anything. As I said earlier, I'm lazy. In reality, I just have been super busy.

After several weeks of anticipation, I went to see Brokeback Mountain this weekend with a good friend of mine. The movie, in case you aren't up on these things, is a movie based on a short story by Annie Proulx about two cowboys who spend several months working on a mountain together herding sheep. They become very close and this bond turns into a romantic relationship. The movie spans about 20 years of their lives, where they both marry women, have kids, but frequently return to Brokeback Mountain to be together. It is clear in this movie that the two men are in love with each other, though neither will admit to being gay and the word isn't even mentioned in the entire movie. It isn't a "gay" movie. It's a love story. A sad love story where two people, because of circumstances, have to find secret ways to be together rather than just leave their "normal" lives behind. For me, the movie moved me simply because I am dealing with a breakup. I sympathize with the idea of wanting something you cannot have. Yet at the same time I am so very jealous of the relationship the two characters have in this movie. They have a mutual love that is felt by both. And although the development of their relationship ultimately ends poorly, they knew and felt love. They loved and were loved in return. I thought I had that once.

Other than that, the weekend was fairly tame. I did some shopping for the holidays. The mall was not nearly as stressful as I expected and for the most part I'm done. I have a few things to get before leaving town for the holidays.

I'll be happy when the holidays are over. I'm tired of sitting around wondering where he is, what he's doing for the holidays and why we're not together. And why I can't stop caring. As Ennis Del Mar would say, "if you can't fix it, you gotta stand it."

About Carrie Broadshoulders

So I guess to start this off, I should give a little detail about who I am and why I'm inspired to bitch and moan online about how much being single sucks.

First of all, I'm an openly gay man. But don't let that stop you ladies from reading because frankly all men are shitheads and trust, gay men go through the same bullshit drama as women do. And we don't have PMS to blame it on!

I am twenty-er-something years old and live in the biggest boring city in the US - Washington, DC. Bland congressional staffers with their JoS. A Banks navy blue pin striped suits and uptight former "smart girls" (aka: the ugly chicks from high school) who are looking to blow smoke up some politician's ass while their boyfriend (probably a leftover from college) is busy getting drunk in Adams Morgan and feeling up on the cute girl who sits three cubes down at work. And those are just the straights.

I have lived in this dire city for over six years now...why? Because I'm lazy. That and I do have a great group of friends who have been the one thing keeping me from moving far far away for quite a while now. Every girl needs her support group...and booze. Oh and it's important to note that when I use the feminine, that does not necessarily indicate the person or persons being referenced are actually of the female gender...they could just be sistahs or marys or nancys or whatever else you want to call a boy with lace in his drawers.

For work, I work in an office environment and am one of the few bitches in this city that does not actually work for the government. Don't get me wrong, there's something to be said for paper pushers who make more money than I do. I have debated a long time about switching to a job where I can diddle on the internet all day on the taxpayers coin. But again, I'm lazy. So for the time I've been in DC I have managed to keep a job at this one particular corporation pushing papers and diddling on the internet. In any case, work is secondary to why we're here today. We're here because of sex. Or no sex, as the case may be for many of us.

That brings me to the relationship status. SINGLE. :( Ugh, what a completely shit word. I mean the fact that it starts S-I-N tells you that it can't be good. Don't get me wrong, for quite a while, I rather enjoyed the single life. Anonymous sex, drunken orgies, fucking in the bathroom at the local gay dive....okay so I never did any of that...well not all of that...but anyway, point is, being single has its advantages. But when you have been dumped, as I have, you have a right to walk around for at least half of the time you were actually in that relationship and BITCH and MOAN all you want about how much it sucks to be single. I have 11 months or so to go!

I'll talk more about the ex and all of that later...the xanax is kicking in and I've got to go look good for a holiday party.

No Sex and the City

Inspired by one of the best shows on television and a recently ended relationship, I thought I'd initiate my newest blog...No Sex and the City.

While the bitterness of being recently DUMPED and finding myself sitting at home watching Sex and the City On Demand and eating Totinos Party Pizzas will surely fade as fast as my tiny waist, I know there will always be other singles out there who are too distraught to actually do any work in the office, so hopefully can find some comfort in knowing everyone else out there is just as miserable as they are! This blog is for all the gay guys (oh and girls too) who haven't found their Mr. Big and are settling for Colonel Sanders instead.

Enjoy!