La Douleur Exquise

"We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it's not an actual date."

I have not felt like writing much lately which is why my postings have been rather juvenile and there more to keep it up and provide humor rather than really discuss anything important going on in my life. I have been in a particularly downer mood the last few weeks and have had a lot of things rambling around in my head that I have not really felt like discussing. I'm sure that happens to most of us. I think a big part of it is that it was basically one year ago almost to the day when the Ex and I split up. While I know I have really moved on, there will always be a part of me that will wish he and I had worked out. I still miss him very much. It is very hard for me to believe that it has been an entire year simply because the pain I feel when I think about everything that happened is still very strong. I can recall vividly that first week after we broke up, how utterly demolished I was. I cried non-stop day and night, didn't go to work, lost 10 pounds because I wasn't eating and feeling so completely out of control over the situation. I think now the feelings are less about him but more about the comfort and happiness of being with someone who you at least thought cared about you. That isn't the only reason I've been Debbie Downer the last few weeks I'm sure, but it certainly has added to the gloomy days.

It hasn't been all bad however. I have been spending some time hanging out with someone I met not too long ago. Our hanging out has been strictly on a friendly basis, having only met because of some random coincidence. What is so weird is I've had such a good time hanging out with him that I think I am finding myself attracted to him. Okay, more than think, I know I am attracted to him. This is unfortunate because I know the feelings are not mutual. We seem to have a good time hanging out together and conversation flows easily and all my friends really seem to like him. I do not understand why we can meet someone who seems so perfect, yet know that there will never be anything more than friendship between us. Why is it always one-sided?

This weekend we went out together Friday and Saturday and then spent the day together yesterday. Yesterday really was one of those perfect dates that really wasn't a date. We had brunch then watched tv all day, grabbed some dinner that we ate while watching a show we both love. It was a great time.

I know I am treading in dangerous water allowing myself to spend so much time with him and knowing that I am beginning to feel things for him that I should not. I know deep down that he does not and will not feel the same way for me. How do you pull back from a situation like that and keep yourself from crossing a line you know you shouldn't cross? Is it too late?

All in all, spending time with him has helped me cope with the sadness I've been feeling the last few weeks, but exposes me to the potential for only more sadness. It dredges up those tenants of insecurity that I can't seem to get away from: Why can't I find love? Why did things with the ex have to end? Will I ever be happy again like I was before last September?

Chavez smackdown.

It seems that the rest of the Democrats feel the same way I do.

Poor George, you know it's a sad state of affairs when Nancy Pelosi takes up for you.

Chavez say what?

I don't know much about this Chavez guy who is the President of Venezuela, but I'm wondering, why do we give a shit that he thinks Bush is the devil? I don't like George Bush by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm at least an American so feel like I can talk smack. Since when do we care about Venezuela? No offense to any Venezuelans in the house, but who gives a damn? He seems a little off his rocker if you ask me. He should just shut up and worry about keeping Venezuela off the third world country list.

Dying

Survivor: Cook Islands

So I am watching the first episode of Survivor: Cook Islands and there are some hot mens up on that show. They divided the teams by ethnicity: caucasian, african american, asian and hispanic. Oddly enough, I think the hottest men on that show are the two younger Asian guys.



This is only odd because there is a specific type of Asian guy I typically am attracted to and Survivor managed to find two for me. Brad I would guess is probably gay, which will make me lust after him even more this season.







There is also a hot Hispanic guy, who's body is beyond hot.







And of course that hot white guy who has already managed to find a girl to hook up with on the island after being there about five minutes.





All in all, a typical Survivor lineup. The hot guys will likely go quickly as always because someone wants me to be miserable all season.

Adios Ann

I was very saddened to hear that former Governor of Texas, Ann Richards passed away from cancer today. She was a reminder that not so long ago, Texas fell in the blue category of politics and will hopefully return there soon enough. An amazing politician, a fabulous woman of power and someone who I admire greatly. You rocked my world Ann. Rest in peace cowgirl!

Saddam Hussein the next Kid in the Hall?

I read today that during his trial, a Kurdish villager who was testifying against Saddam Hussein proclaimed, "Congratulations! You are in a cage, Saddam!" Later in the day, Saddam lashed out at what he referred to as "agents of Iran and Zionism" and said he would "crush your heads."

This makes me think of this:


And it makes me laugh. I am totally picturing Saddam sitting in the courtroom looking at everyone going, "I am crushing your head. Crush, crushing your head." And pinching their heads with his fingers. Hilarious.

A Tribute to Alysia

I heard about the 2996 project where bloggers from across the globe were each going to post a tribute to a fallen American from September 11th. I guess the site has come down unfortunately due to high traffic, but the bloggers have continued with their tributes. I scanned the list and found one for Alysia Basmajian but the link seemed broken.

I never met Alysia Basmajian, but briefly knew her husband in high school. I doubt Anthony would even remember me, though oddly enough after all those years I still remembered him. Both Anthony and Alysia grew up in Richmond and both attended William & Mary. In their junior year, Alysia became pregnant. Probably something that would terrify most juniors in college. However, Alysia and Anthony struggled through their remaining years in school not just as students, but also as parents. They persevered and graduated and shortly after, they and their daughter Kaela moved to New York where both Anthony and Alysia found jobs. Alysia was working as an accountant at the firm Cantor & Fitzgerald on the 101st floor of the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Anthony worked at the New York Stock Exchange a few blocks away.

Though I haven't spoken to Anthony in more than a decade, as soon as I saw Alysia's name on the list of the missing, I thought there may be a connection. I later found out that she was indeed his wife and they had a child together who was only two on September 11th. Being the same age as Anthony and Alysia, I was impressed and shocked at how determined they must have been to balance both parenthood and a college education and equally impressed at the fact they were succeeding in life.

Since 9/11, I have read several articles about Alysia and Anthony and their love and dedication to each other and their daughter. According to a NY Times article profiling victims of 9/11, the couple had found a list of life's major stresses and realized that they had done nearly everything on the list. Anthony said, "We'd gotten married, graduated, raised a child, found a job, moved to a new city. It was stressful, but it was O.K. because we faced it together."

The last item on the list was the death of someone you love.

Though I never met her, whenever I think about 9/11, I think about Alysia and Anthony and that little girl. I know that while Anthony, Kaela and Alysia's family will certainly never forget her...I hope they realize that their story touched me and hopefully many others as well. Keep Alysia, Anthony and Kaela in your thoughts today as you reflect on what life is all about. I can only hope one day to find the love and happiness they seemed to share, however short of a time they were given to enjoy it.

CNN Memorial to Alysia
William & Mary Obituary
Legacy.com Tribute

Five Years Later

Today, September 11, 2006, starts like most days and much like September 11, 2001 started. A work day, though my commute is slightly different than five years ago, I return to the very same office I worked in five years ago for the first September 11th since 2001, having left that office shortly after 9/11 to work in Virginia. It seems odd to be back in the same place and working with so many of the same people who I shared that horrible day with.

I, like everyone, still remember exactly where I was when hearing about the first attack. My office sits in pretty much the same place as it did then. I remember walking through the lobby and watching on the television when the second plane hit the south tower, thinking I was watching footage of the first plane hitting and then realizing that both towers were now in flames. Not long after, the report came across that the Pentagon was hit. The third plane had flown over Washington Boulevard right where I had passed not two hours before. It was no longer just something tragic happening in another city. It really was a bit terrifying. Immediately people at work scampered to figure out what to do. Several coworkers had family members who worked in the Pentagon and were in understandable hysterics. My mother immediately started calling my phone pleading for me to get out of DC. Knowing there was no real reason to leave DC nor really being able to since the city was gridlocked, I remember standing in the gym at work with all of my coworkers as we silently watched the news, everyone in shock that this was really happening. I can almost pinpoint the exact spot I was standing when I watched the towers collapse. I was standing beside a coworker who would find out days later that her cousin was in that building as it fell. So many of us have the same experience, knowing where we were that day, what we were doing, remembering how the adrenaline rushed through our body and our emotions were out of control. Knowing people who lost loved ones or hearing the terrible stories from that day. None of us were immune from the effects of 9/11, even those who did not live in New York City or Washington, DC.

I remember driving home to Virginia that night and as I crossed the 14th Street bridge seeing the Pentagon still in flames, the smell of smoke still strong in the air. From that day on to even today, the emotions felt, while possibly diminishing with time, are still very strong for me, as I'm sure for everyone else. This weekend was filled with specials on TV about that day. The most disturbing aired on CBS last night which I had seen before. Two French documentary filmmakers were filming that day with a fire crew in NYC and most of their footage was shot from inside the WTC during the events. You hear bodies hit the ground as people jump from the burning towers. You see firemen that died that day rush into the building and you see injured run out of the building. I saw another special that showed children who lost parents five years later. So many of them spoke about how they find it hard to even remember how their father or mother's voice sounded, the way they smelled, the difficulty in even remembering their faces after five years of absence. So many of them were so young on September 11th. For them, seeing the footage of 9/11 on TV over and over isn't just emotional. They are forced to witness over and over their parent's death. I cannot imagine watching and knowing that you were seeing the last moments of your father or mother's life and how you must just want to be able to go back to that day and change things. I always tell myself I won't watch those specials again. That it is been five years and we cannot change what happened so what is the point in focusing on it so much. But then you think about how many people's lives were impacted and how lucky you are that you were not. You feel obligated to be reminded of the tragedy. So I watched and just like that day and the weeks following and every year on the anniversary, it stirs emotions that are inexplicable and yet shared by all of us. There never seem to be enough tears.

So it has been five years. It is hard to believe five years have passed because it still makes me sick to think about it. I still cannot comprehend how horrific that day was. I doubt in five more years I will feel any differently about it. I guess all you can do is take a moment today to think about that day and remember everything and everyone we have lost since 9/11. What else can you do?

Don't F With a Fat Nurse

I can't decide if the fact I chuckled at this means I'm heartless, an asshole or completely justified. You decide.


My takeaway is that this nurse is a badass and I won't be breaking into her house anytime soon.

Carrie's Endorsement for Mayor...as if you care.

Not that anyone really cares who I'm voting for, I finally decided to do a little research and see a debate between the candidates for Mayor of DC. I understand that the Washington Post and several other folks have endorsed Adrian Fenty, jumping on the bandwagon of a few polls that show him in the lead. I was one of those people who thought, oh he looks good and seems intelligent and magnetic. Then I actually took time to listen to him. I'm sorry, but he sounds like an idiot. I'm sure I'll get a lot of haters for that, but I'm sorry, in a debate, he couldn't hold a candle to the others on the panel. He had little to say of substance, little to say about his record on anything and frankly I think he's blowing hot air. I really believe he's popular because he's a sharp looking guy. Charm counts when we're talking about politics, no doubt. But frankly, this city needs more than a pretty face. Sorry to those friends I know who are working on his campaign, but I won't be voting for Fenty.

Linda Cropp, the only clear competition to Adrian Fenty seems to be far more aware of what the city needs, is able to clearly communicate her plan as Mayor and speak to her previous record on helping DC residents. She speaks far more eloquently, seems far more experienced and if I chose to vote for someone who had a chance of winning, my vote would without a doubt go to Linda Cropp over Adrian Fenty.

That said, I am not voting for Linda Cropp or Adrian Fenty. My vote will go to Marie Johns.

Marie was on the ball at the debate. She answered every question with answers and not more questions. The other candidates wasted their time bitching about what's wrong with DC and that it needs to be fixed. Big duh. None of them bothered to really go into what they intend to do to fix those problems. Linda came close, but honestly I fear her as mayor simply because she screams old school DC politics to me. I know this is why Adrian Fenty seems more appealing. He's younger and fresh. But empty. I mean he has the audacity to debate public education in DC when his kids are too good to even attend public DC schools. Clearly he hasn't cared enough about it as a council member to focus on improving it so his kids can go to DC public schools.

Marie Johns seemed to have it all. I was impressed with the things she has done to improve education, even when not in an elected office. I was absolutely impressed with how eloquently she spoke about important issues...she seemed unrehearsed and heartfelt and while that may not necessarily be reality, I think it speaks volumes to have someone who can communicate a clear thought without it sounding like a sound byte. My favorite comment Marie had during the debate, specifically regarding education was that in all her years of watching this council (which includes Fenty and Cropp), she's never seen them debate education the way they debated a baseball stadium. Amen Marie, Amen.

So that said, I endorse Marie Johns for Mayor. I hope I don't talk myself out of voting for who I think is the best candidate in order to vote for Cropp to keep Fenty from being mayor. I don't want to think my vote is wasted, but if Fenty ends up Mayor, I'm afraid it would be.

Janelle is Truly Outrageous!

Okay so I know I'm getting a bit obsessive, but she's so close to winning.

I thought this was funny...glad to see I'm not the only Janelle-obsessed fan out there.

Suri Cruise Revealed

So the first photographic evidence of the existence of Suri Cruise was released today by Vanity Fair. The photos taken by Annie Leibovitz show the baby chilling with "mom" and "dad" and I have to say that regardless of whether that baby is Tom and Katie's, it's super cute. That head full of dark hair and those odd Asian-like eyes, while maybe not enough to convince the world that she's not a fake, still make for a pretty photographic kid. I love how she is totally chilling in Tom's leather jacket like "Shiloh Nouvelle Jolie-Pitt who?"

Everything considered, I thought for sure something was wrong with this kid. Turns out the only thing wrong with this kid is her parents. She's adorable.

Janelle Rocks My World

The Big Brother gods have been smiling down on my girl Janelle this week! First she manages to get herself off the block, have both Danielle and Chicken George leave, then when I really thought she was done, she manages the most important POV of the season and saves herself. Not only does she save herself, but she manages to do something that no one else in BB history has ever done...she evicted Will. Single-handedly slaughtering Chill Town, who should have been eliminated weeks ago. Danielle will be most pleased and I think if Janelle makes it to the final two, she has guaranteed Danielle's vote.

Now over the next few nights, Erika, Janelle and Mike Boogie play a three part HOH competition that will determine the final HOH. Mike Boogie has for some reason already dropped out of the first one, assuming that the other two ladies will inevitably take him to the end either way. Which is silly. Why would Janelle take Mike Boogie to the final if she wins the ability to choose? She has a much better shot beating Erika than Mike Boogie. However Erika has won the first competition since Janelle, shocked by Mike's exit, pulled her hand off her key. So Erika will play either Mike or Janelle for the final HOH. Hopefully Mike will bow out again and allow Janelle to fight Erika for it. If Janelle wins, she should take Erika to the final two. If Erika wins, she should take Mike Boogie to win, though I think either way she has lost against either Janelle or Mike Boogie. She clearly doesn't think that so will hopefully take Janelle.

If Janelle wins BB7: All Stars, I will be the happiest homo in the world.