Anna Nicole or Carrie Broadshoulders?

I can't decide whether this is a photo of Anna Nicole on her way into the Supreme Court to steal her dead husband's money or if it is of me on my way to work this morning. You decide.

Today's Mood

Contemplatively Anguished (yeah ya like that don't you?)

West Coast/East Coast

Okay, so no offense in this posting, but I am sitting here watching the Bachelor: Paris and I'm sorry, but I think the two final girls reflect my views on the differences between East Coasters and West Coasters.  

Sarah, the girl from Nashville, TN, is this down to earth, wholesome and seemingly genuine girl.  She says what she feels and there's little added drama to it.  

Then there's Moana.  I have loathed her from the beginning.  While I totally think the other girls treated her ugly for no reason other than jealousy, I do think she's as fake as a Kate Spade bag bought on the corner of Wisconsin and M Street in Georgetown.  Everytime she has to talk about her feelings, she gets SO freaking dramatic.  

I guess to me, I see West Coasters as these people who take a lot to get to really know - to really see who they are.  There seem to be all these layers there to dig through to figure out who that person is.  I know this is a total generalization, but aren't most stereotypes.  East Coasters have plenty of negative qualities..their unabashed honesty that is perceived as rude or inappropriate, their cold nature when it comes to a lot of deep issues.  East Coasters can be brutal.  Southerners like Sarah though to me seem so much more easy to like.  So much more genuine.  Life doesn't have to be so complicated.  

I don't know, I just find myself liking Sarah far more than Moana.  And being an East Coast person (and a Southerner), it could just be I relate to her more.  I just can't help getting this feeling that the reasons I don't like Moana are the same reasons I always feel uncomfortable when on the West Coast.  It just seems to get to some substance, something real, you have to dig a lot to find it.   Maybe that's just Southern Cali or something. I haven't traveled too extensively in the Northwest but hear its completely different.

In any case, no offense. I know there are plenty of people of substance from the West Coast. This is more of a perception based thought and I realize there are many, many examples that totally make me think these perceptions are misguided. Moana, however, is not one of them. She irks me.

Go Sarah! I'm about to find out who gets picked.

UPDATE: YAY! Travis saw what I saw and picked Sarah! I had a feeling he would. Even Moana's exit was SO dramatic. "Guys like that don't marry girls like me." Um, well if you want to marry a guy like that, maybe you need to not be a girl like you. I mean I feel bad for her, because I do think in an experience like this, you probably do have all these emotions for this one person, but honestly, afterwards, I could not see Travis and Moana being able to be together on a daily basis. Anyway - East Coast represent! In da house!

UPDATE 2: Travis to Sarah: "You are beautiful, you are smart, you are honest, but one of the things I like about you the most - maybe the most - is when I'm with you, I'm happy." "When I'm with you, I feel like I'm home" *heart* *tear*

UPDATE 3: If you go on the Bachelor and you know going into the final ceremony that you are not going to propose, tell the producers you refuse to even pull out a ring, much less pull out one on a necklace. Tacky. I mean I totally understand not wanting to propose to someone you met three weeks ago, but don't even pull out a ring unless you plan on using it dude.

UPDATE 4: Yes, I'm a loser who watches shows like the Bachelor. Cut me some slack - it's a Monday.

Reruns

It has been a bit of time since I have posted...I guess I have been in a bit of a blog funk lately. I have not really been checking my normal favorite blogs for updates and have just kind of avoided my own as well. Just to give a very quick update on the previous posting, I caved the other day and sent a very long email to the ex. I was worried that he would possibly not remember everything that happened the other night and I wanted to be sure that he knew. I told him that he needed help for his drinking, because he was out of control and would hurt himself if he didn't get help. I also told him basically how hurt I was, but not even because he cheated or lied about it, but because when he decided to give me the truth, he did it to hurt me. I told him that it hurt to know that no matter what, at this point, our lives together are completely over. And the reality of this kills me.

I honestly did not expect him to respond, but the following day he emailed me and just said in one sentence that he was sorry, would never be able to convey how much so in an email and that he missed me.

I, in a moment of weakness, said I missed him as well.

Last night, I was at a bar with friends and saw him there. Across the rooms. Chatting away with people. In one second, it was as if the last five months had put no distance between us. I felt sad and it ruined my night. I hated giving him that power, but I didn't have a choice. I grabbed my friends and we headed upstairs. I had to leave so my friend gave me a ride home. On the way I sent the ex a text message asking if he was still at Cobalt. Why? Who knows. He called me when i was home. He was brief on the phone, said he was home alone watching the Olympics. I don't really think he was alone. He hurried off the phone and said he'd call me today. I know that he will not. Why can't I shake this? Why can't I hate him for what he has done? Why isn't this exactly what I needed to get over him and move on? Deep down, I know that if given the chance, I'd still want to be with him and work things out with him. But how would that ever happen? I cried myself to sleep last night. I have to promise myself that I won't do that again.

Anyway - so there's the update. I'd prefer to have something more positive and uplifting to discuss after so long, but there hasn't been much uplifting about the last week.

And so it ends

I received an email tonight from the kid who rents the apartment I had prior the one I shared with my ex. He says someone came to the door, drunk, looking for me. I then receive a call from a friend who lived upstairs when I lived there (and who still lives there) saying that my ex had shown up at the door, drunk, asking for me. He and I lived together after I lived in this apartment so he knows very well I do not live there anymore. This is an indication of how drunk he is. I realize that this means he's incoherent and probably not in the best shape to be stumbling through DC by himself. So I try calling him. He answers and tries to tell me he doesn't even live in DC anymore and it wasn't him. This is clearly a lie. This goes back and forth and back and forth and I keep trying to get him to tell me where he is and if he's home. I'm incredibly worried about him. I wonder where he's been that he's in this condition and what will happen to him if I hang up or ignore the situation. I decide I can't deal with this, so I put on my clothes and head out the door, get in my car and drive to the neighborhood I used to live in. I call him and he says where he is. He is back at the same apartment again. I call my friend who lives there and ask him to go outside and make him stay until I get there. When I get there, he is clearly drunk. He is being all sweet and telling me how cute I look and what not. My friend goes inside. I walk with the ex down the street towards my car and tell him I'll give him a ride home. He declines. I insist. Then he goes on about how awful his life has been and it's basically incoherent. He tells me he misses me. I cry and cry because I miss him too and am so sad that he is the way he is tonight. Then he starts to get ugly. And mean. He starts telling me he hates me. I tell him that is fine, I don't care if he hates me, I just want him to get home safely. I say let's not fight, just get in the car and let me take him home. I don't want to fight about this anymore. He hates me. Fine. I have learned to be okay with him hating me. But I can't leave him there to wander home alone and get hurt. I still love him too much for that.

He then tells me that he cheated on me before we broke up. I don't really believe him because he's drunk and is trying to hurt me. Then he tells me it was with someone I know. I tell him again I don't believe him. But now I'm starting to freak out. He tells me who it is after I start prodding him about him having balls and telling me the truth. He then starts laughing and tells me who it is and that it went on well before we broke up, while we were living together. I start to cry. He shows me emails on his blackberry about it. I take his blackberry and refuse to give it back. I tell him two things are going to happen. He is going to tell me everything, the entire truth or he will get in the car and let me take him home. I won't give him the blackberry until one of those things happen. He goes on and on telling me how he hates me and how he wishes he had never met me and how I sicken him. He then starts to get violent. He pushes me and starts chasing me down the sidewalk. He hits me in the back of the head...I"m pushing him off of me and telling him I'm going to call the cops. He hits me again. He's jerking me by the collar on my sweater and trying to throw me up against my own car. He breaks my glasses. He throws my phone on the ground when I pick it up to try to call the cops. I can't see, I don't know where my glasses are, or my phone. He worries that the call to the cops went through and he leaves. I get in my car and am hysterically crying. I get out of my car and go looking for him to give him back his blackberry. I know when this night is over, I will never talk to him again and I don't want it. I only wanted it because I wanted the truth. The truth doesn't matter at this point. I find him and give it back to him. He starts pushing me again. I turn to leave and he's grabbing me and cursing at me. I am pushing him back and hitting him to try to get him to let go of my collar because he's choking me. I fall on the ground. I get up and walk off to my car. He goes in the other direction.

Then, for some unknown reason, I can't leave. I need to know. I have to know that he'll be okay to get home. I have to know that he is telling me the truth. I want to know how he did this, under my nose, with someone I know and no one else knew, no one else told me, how long was it happening? Why? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?!?! I start to follow him. I keep enough distance so he doesnt' know I'm there. I want to know he is going home and will get there safely. Why? I have no clue. I just can't leave him the way he is. It's stupid. I know I'm stupid. But I loved him...and I would never recover if something happened to him.

Finallly we get near where he works and he turns around and starts yelling at me again...telling me he hates me. I tell him I think he's lying and although he may have slept with that guy, I think he was doing it AFTER we broke up and is only saying he was doing it before to hurt me. He wants to hurt me and will lie to do it. He calls a coworker. I'm sure she is fucking confused and he hands me the phone. She has no clue what is going on. I apologize that he called her. She asks why he called her. I say because he wanted you to confirm that he was cheating on me before we broke up. She says she started working with him in september and he was already sleeping around on me then. And had been. I tell her that she needs to call him in an hour to be sure he got home okay, that I could not let this be my responsibility anymore. I fall apart, hand him the blackberry, turn and walk away crying. I walk back to my car and call my best friend who does not live in DC. She is my rock. She will get me back to my car and get me home. As I walk, I start crying harder and feel so ashamed. Ashamed that I ever cared. Ashamed that I came out tonight out of concern for him. Ashamed that I had to ever find out that everything I believed about our relationship was bullshit.

As ashamed as I am, I am aware more than anything. So many questions I have had regarding our breakup are answered. Why he was so cold when he left me. Why he wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't make it work. He knew to make it work, he'd have to tell me he cheated. Honestly I would have forgiven him because we were not getting along and well I loved him. But now, now is different. I spent five months hating myself and blaming myself. I spent five months crushed, devastated emotionally. I spent five months feeling the worst I've ever felt. And it was all because I was WRONG about everything. I really believed he never cheated. I REALLY believed he truly loved me and just was not happy. I'm sitting here, crying, shaking, hurting and I can't figure my own feelings out. I hate him for what he did. I hate him for telling me tonight. I hate him for coming to my old apartment to try to find me. I hate him for the fact that he is so obviously upset and guilty and mad that he did what he did and things ended because of how fucked up it all became and he knows that he misses me and that it's done. I hate him for it. But I still love him. I still miss him. I miss the him I thought he was. I miss the 2 years of happiness I thought I had. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that he cheated...that he felt he had to. That who he cheated with is someone I know. Who is NOT cute by the way. That hurts me. I just feel sick. I want to throw up. I hate this. I don't know what to tell my friends who will surely ask what happened tonight. I had worked so hard to get over this the last five months and tonight it's like starting from scratch. Before it got ugly tonight, I was looking at him and my heart was just breaking in a million pieces because I missed him so much. He was so cute. And I hate myself for feeling that way.

But it's over. I can never talk to him, see him or have him as any part of my life again. Ever. And that hurts. It devastates me. I love him. I always will. And to know that now it's done...it's over and I will never ever be able to forgive or forget. And that now I have to live my life feeling differently about him than I did before tonight, it hurts. I don't even care about the violence. People fight. I'm not an battered wife. I am fine and he did not hurt me (thought I do have a bit of a knot on my head and a scraped elbow...oh and broken armani glasses - that bitch). I don't care about that. What is battered and what hurts the most is on the inside. I feel sick. I just feel so miserable. I don't know that I will ever feel happy again. I'd worked so hard to get back to who I was before I met him. But now I know that person will never be back.

And so it ends. I only chose to blog about this because I needed to get it out right now while I'm feeling the way I feel. I hope tomorrow brings something a little better than today left me with.

End Horse Slaughter

So I am a pretty big fan of the Humane Society. It is one of the main organizations I donate money to regularly and certainly during the Hurricane Katrina disaster. As a pet owner and as someone who has had a pet my entire life, I cannot imagine being forced to leave one behind in an emergency. During movies, if an animal dies, it bothers me far more than if a human does. Unless it's a kid or something. In general, I tend to empathize more for animals than people. Maybe it is because they seem more helpless or I feel that humans have far more advantages to protect themselves than animals...and as a species, we have not done a particularly good job of taking care of the other animals that inhabit this planet with us. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT a vegetarian or vegan. I eat meat, I wear leather and I am okay with animal testing in many cases because frankly, if we can cure cancer by killing a few bunnies, so be it. I hate that we have to and if there were other ways, I'd certainly fight to end the use of animals unnecessarily. So what I like about the Humane Society is that they focus on issues where animals suffer for no damn good reason.

Evidently in the United States, international companies sell American horses for food overseas. They slaughter American horses and sell the meat to foreigners. American horses. Uh, no ma'am. I grew up in a rural area of the country and while I did not personally own horses, I have been around them a lot. HSUS has been working diligently to ban this practice in this country. Why? Americans don't eat horses. It's not kosher, if you will. I don't care if whoever wherever else in this world thinks the meat is divine...get your own damn horses. So I have for about a year been sending my emails diligently to members of Congress both here in DC and in VA where I lived before (don't even get me started on the whole taxation without representation drama in the district) asking that they support this ban. Well, it passed. But is a temporary ban, not permanent. But hey, it's a step in the right direction. Well the USDA has decided that it is going to ignore this ban. Don't ask me how that's possible, but they are. So HSUS is going to take them to court. I'm sorry, but Congress said no bitches...so back off Flicka before you get knocked. So please go to the HSUS website and send a letter to Eleanor, et. al. and tell them that they need to make this ban permanent and need to enforce it! We don't eat horses! Not after the centuries they carried our fat asses around, serving in wars with us and basically just being super cute.

www.hsus.org

Working Late

I worked until 10pm tonight. Which is nothing new really...sometimes when I come home at night, I'll log into my computer and do some work just to catch up. But tonight I actually had to do work in the office because I was having to save stuff on the shared drive at work. It sucked. Then I got to thinking about how hot it would be to have someone come over to my office and us have sex on my desk or something. Then I thought about how awful I'd look naked under those horrendous flourescent lights in the office and immediately dismissed that idea. I then proceeded to CVS near the metro where I work and as soon as I walked in, realized what I was doing and how I had decided to boycott them because they are ignorant...so I pivoted around and waltzed right back out. But not before I saw that the line was in fact at least five people deep...at 10pm. Stupid.

The metro was actually really busy which surprised and annoyed me. And my train had no one cute to look at, which was annoying. So I listened to the iPod and stared down the two deaf Swedish girls who were signing to each other. I knew they were Swedish because well they looked Swedish and they had two magazines that were Swedish. I was really amazed by how such subtle hand movements that look more like someone who is just speaking in a really animated way than actually saying something with their hands can really be a conversation. It's really very cool and it makes me wish I could sign. Well other than "whatever mother fucker, you can go to hell." Which sadly is the only thing I can say in ASL. Um, I also thought to myself while walking home from the metro with a good song playing on the iPod that sometimes when listening to a song while walking or something, you feel like you're in a movie and the song in the background is part of the soundtrack.

Okay so that was Carrie's day. Nothing exciting.

Oh and if you expect me to wish any of you a happy whatever tomorrow is, don't hold your breath. And god help anyone who thinks of saying it to me tomorrow. Yes, I'm bitter, and I don't give a damn.

Your Last Day

Just finished watching Grey's Anatomy (the best show on TV) and they asked an interesting question. If today were your last day on Earth, how would you want to spend it? Nothing new, we've all thought about this before I'm sure. Without hesitation, I knew how I'd want to spend it. I'm sure if you ask me 10 years from now, the answer would be different. Maybe.

I won't get into it, it just made me sad because IF today were my last day on Earth, I wouldn't get to spend it the way I'd want to.

Plus, I probably wouldn't have had that takeout Chinese for dinner if it were my last day. :)

I have had it!

I have had it! I will from this point forward be boycotting all CVS stores in this city. There is one in particular that has worked my nerves today. First of all, I have not gone into one CVS in this city that hasn't had a line 10 people deep to pay for your items. The people who work at EVERY CVS in this city are rude, ignorant and basically useless. And for some reason, NO CVS in this city seems to carry an adequate supply of Diet Pepsi, either in can or plastic bottle form. It's like, if you're the manager who is in charge for ordering the supply for your store, and it's obvious on a weekly basis that you run out of Diet Pepsi far more quickly than any other soda, why not order MORE of the diet pepsi and LESS of the regular Pepsi and other products.

Also, for some reason this particular CVS I went to tonight carries no cat litter. None. Just food. Most other CVS stores in the city carry litter. This one does not. Which is rather inconvenient as it is the closest one to my apartment. When I tried to ask one of the associates there, they said, "NO!" loudly and walked off. Rude. She is just lucky I didn't take off a heel and launch it at the back of her weave.

When I went to pay for my body soap (which for some reason is a popular item for the five finger discount because another rude associate had to come unlock the vault where they keep the body soap). Now you can buy as much Sudafed as you want or steal as much as you want to go make your crystal meth, but if you need to wash your ass, you need to have a password to get body soap. Lord. Anyway, when I went to pay for soap, the third and rudest associate I encountered said not one single word to me when I walked up to pay. No thank you, come again. No have a nice day. Nothing. What happened to basic common courtesy? I said thank you to her as I left, though not sure what I was thanking her for.

Ignorant - the entire experience.

AI

I'm a huge American Idol fan. Since last season I picked Carrie Underwood as my favorite to win, and well, she did...I thought I'd give some early picks to win and my personal favs. Kelly Pickler. She is so cute. And she can sing. I'm not 100% sure she has the umph to win but I think she'll be top 10 for sure.

That little Paris girl is hot. I think she def. has a shot to win.

I am also totally in love with that little cowboy Garrett. He is the cutest thing ever. And so sweet. I don't think he'll win, and not sure he'll even get to the top 10, but I really hope so.

I hate the twins. All of them. Snobby, obnoxious assholes.

Paula, while being a bit more critical, still needs to just go away. She is pointless. She says nothing constructive.

I'm sorry, WHY are those Brittenaum twins through? Um, they suck. And they were ragging on Carrie Underwood. Um, got news mofo. She's sold more albums than Ruben or Fantasia. Get over it.

OH and I am also totally addicted to wasabe peas. Unrelated, but nonetheless important to know.

That is all.

Email me if you're drinking: nsandthecity@gmail.com

I may hibernate this weekend and not go out - maybe not. Bring on the snow.

Weekend Moments

Miranda Moment: At some point this weekend, I became really depressed and thought to myself that I had really been betrayed by the ex and that I need to snap the f*** out of this funk and realize that he's just as much to blame for the demise of our relationship as I am and that I refuse to any longer accept that everything was my fault. The only difference is that I can accept my faults and wrongdoings and know that I contributed to a lot, but I do not accept that it did not work because of me. I was willing to do more to make it work than he was. Men suck and I'm over them.

Charlotte Moment: I had a few moments this weekend where I really started to think that things happen for a reason. I tend to really resist and discount this type of thinking because I have always accepted the idea that we create our own future, we manage our own lives...there is NO invisible hand out there guiding the events of our lives in any particular direction. But this weekend I guess I had been feeling a bit down and when you're down and you don't think things are going to get better and you can't really answer all the questions that you have about what you're doing with you life, you just begin to accept an idea that fate is guiding your life and that there is something better out there for you. In the end, I still think we have to be proactive about finding and getting what we want in life. If you sit back and wait for it, it may never come to you. Eternal optimism, while it served its purpose in my Charlotte moment of the weekend, isn't my typical way of thinking.

Samantha Moment: And for my favorite moment of the weekend...Saturday night...drinks were had, dancing was done and Carrie wanted much more fun. She and a good friend and another gentleman...let's call him Will just for the sake of giving him a name...went back to friend's place for more drinks. Friend went to bed. Will and I found other ways to occupy our time. As Samantha would say, "I will not be judged by you OR by society!"

Carrie Moment: When am I not having a Carrie moment? I'm always fabulous.

Oh yeah, go Steelers. Or whatever.

Also - new favorite song: Jason Mraz' "Life is Wonderful"
It's takes no time to fall in love...
but it takes you years to know what love is
and it takes some fears to make you trust
and it takes those tears to make it rust
it takes the dust to have it polished.

And so it is..continued...

So after the ex signed off last night from IM, a little time goes by, I set my away message and am getting ready for bed. Then I notice that the ex signs on again, but using his more anonymous screenname. I know this screenname because it's the one he had when we first met. So I think to myself, hm, why would he want to be online, but not want to use his normal screenname. I figure its because he thinks I don't have his old one on my buddy list and won't see him. Uh, hello...what kind of amateur does he think he's dealing with? So then I assume that he is on the "chitty chat" as we gays like to call it...it's an online way for menz to meet up with the other menz. It's trashy. But at some point, all gays have gotten on there. In any case, I log into this chitty chat for the specific purpose of seeing if he's on there. I recently had found out that he had been on there even when we were still together. I won't even go into how I felt about all that. I doubt he ever used it for anything but a distraction, but who knows. So I easily and quickly figure out that he's in the "chitty chat" (important to note that he is completely lacking in any creativity and therefore spotting him among hundreds of anonymous monikers is not very difficult). Well I decide I'm going to send him a message (also important to note that the moniker I used is very creative and he would not have known it was me). Before I can even send him a message, he sends one out onto the general room where everyone can see saying he is looking for a hookup. Now let me preface this by the fact that I do not judge folks who randomly hookup or go looking for them. Everyone likes to talk about how trashy these people are, but I would venture to guess that 90% of all gay men have done it. We're men. In any case, it's a whole different story when it's the ex. No he is not on there looking for dick. I do NOT think so.

So I decide I'm still going to message him, so I do. He immediately asks for a picture. I send a fake one, duh. He sends one of himself (which was a cropped photo that originally was of the both of us - how RUDE). We end up having a 30 minute conversation where I'm prodding him for details as to whether he's done this much and what not just to see when the last time it was he did do this. I won't go into any sordid details here...but he doesn't seem to have been screwing around much since we broke up. Which made me feel better. Well he keeps prodding me (though of course he has no idea its me) to come over. And everytime he does, my heart sinks a little bit more. Why? Why are you doing this? Why can't you see that you don't need to do this? You deserve to have a life where you don't have to resort to such measures. You were so unjaded and so innocent when we first met. Why do you need to do this? I want to tell him its me and that he shouldnt' do this, that I know from experience that random hookups give you nothing but a brief tiny insignificant moment of pleasure followed by immense guilt and heartache because you know it is a substitute for something you don't have. The conversation starts to turn in that direction and I try to still pretend that its not me, but I think I was asking too many questions.

While all of this was going on, I was actually sending him messages on IM asking him why he was on the "chitty chat". Now for some reason it took him a good half hour to finally realize that it was most likely me he was talking to. He never called me out for it and I never told him it was me, but I think by the time he logged off the "chitty chat", he knew the person he had been talking to was me. Our conversation on IM was very brief...he got pissed at me for bringing up the fact he was on the "chitty chat", told me it was none of my business and then signed off of there. Yet still chatting me up all the time on the "chitty chat" trying to get me to come over. It was probably the most disturbing and sneaky thing I've done and I feel totally guilty for doing it. But I had to know things I know he wouldn't tell me, yet would tell a total stranger. And he wasn't really looking for a sexual rendezvous...he made it clear he just wanted company and that he was lonely. And that broke my heart as well. When I asked about his ex boyfriend (me), he said that he wished he still loved me but he didn't anymore. :(
Nothing I didn't already know...something that always seems to hurt to much when you hear it.

So I'm a terrible sneaky awful person. I feel bad. I can't help thinking that this will be the final nail in the coffin that contains the remnants of any feelings he had for me...especially if he knows that it was me on the "chitty chat" pretending to be someone else. I also just feel terrible because someone I love so much and care about so much and who I would give anything to still be with, would rather be with some stranger on the street than me. It hurts. And while I always assumed that he was probably frequenting the "chitty chat", I had hoped I was wrong. I also feel terrible for even stooping so low. If I could have let go of all this months ago, I wouldn't have wasted my time.

So I have such mixed feelings and emotions. On one hand, I'm angry, though I have no right to be. He's free to do what he wants. But I'm mad that is who he has become. That he is a jaded bitter whore of a homo...just like me. I had wished for more for him. Had hoped for more for him. I'm also just sad because I want to be the person who is with him. Not someone who doesn't even know him.

So I'm a freak. And a stalker. And clearly in need of some prescription drugs.

Thoughts? I'll likely only leave this post up here for a day. Then I'll delete is so there is nothing there reminding me that I'm a total freak. And reminding all of you.

And so it is...

Just when I thought that I was starting to really handle and process a lot of the emotions that have been attached to my ex leaving me, I get an instant message from him. Blinking, blinking, blinking...his name...Hey.

I stare at it for at least a minute or two before I can even read it...just stare at his name. In one second, every single emotion I have felt about him, about losing him...they all start to creep to the surface. I click Accept.

I am determined to be very short with him...to not give in...I need to know why he's doing this before I let on that it means anything to me that he's messaging me. After relaying some very generic information regarding the details of his sordid life, I call him out for what he told my friends (see previous post) and why he would do something like that. First he tried to deny it, but I know that what they knew was something they would only know if he told them. He then got extremely defensive. I guess the conversation wasn't going as he intended. Well guess what bud, how do you think I've felt for four months? You think my life has worked out the way I would have intended it? After brushing it off as no big deal and turning it back on me...he moved on to expound further on whatever is going on in whatever life he has now that I'm not a part of...then he decides to really turn the knife. He tells me that he is leaving.

Leaving? Wait, no, you already left. You moved out remember? You're gone...well, except from every other thought I ever have it seems.

No, he means DC. He's moving. Away. To another city. And not anywhere close like Baltimore. To somewhere where the chances of me running into him, seeing him, talking to him...slim...none. For about three seconds, I wasn't even sure how to feel...no feelings rushed forth, no emotions...calm...storm. It took three seconds for me to fall apart all over again. To have the tears come rushing forward, to feel my hands shake, to feel sick to my stomach. All over again. I try to hold the conversation but am slowly melting away, falling apart...finding myself telling him how much I love him and miss him and how I don't know what to say about all of this. I don't know what you want, why you're telling me this. I could sit here and pretend it isn't a big deal, that I don't care. But what if you believe it...and you want me to care? What if you leave because you think I don't care?

It just got more pathetic from there. I fell apart...both in the conversation and sitting here reading it. I've spent an hour or so sobbing over this. It's so sick and fucked up that in one second, so many feelings that you work so hard to get under control and to push away can rush back as if they never left. As if it's the day he told me he wanted to end our relationship...all over again. I know there was some part of me that hoped we'd reconnect. That somehow he'd really miss me. That I wasn't wrong about everything, about who he was and how he felt about me. That he'd believe in us enough that the next time I heard from him, it would be because he wanted me again. And hearing that he's leaving is just confirmation that that just isn't going to happen. And it really fucking hurts. It hurts worse than anything I've felt before. I don't want him to leave. I don't want to know that I'll never have a life with him in it again. I don't want to move on.

He said he didn't want to make me upset (too late) and that he thought it was best he leave me alone. I told him that if he still felt the way about me that he did when he left me, then yes...because I still feel the way about him I did when he left me.

Life is so short ya know...and it sucks that it so often times has to be filled with such sadness.