You'll Think of Me

I've decided I love this song:

I woke up this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlighs on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
but thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
i've been trying my best to get along
but thats okay there's nothing left to say but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I dont need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I dont need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I dont need 'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I dont need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

-"You'll Think of Me" Keith Urban

Sunday, Sunday

I've decided that Sundays are the worst days of the week. Most Sundays, I get up late because I went out the night before so immediately half of the day is gone. Once the Advil kicks in and I can actually function, I spend the rest of the day in a bit of a funk because I know that the next day I have to go to work. Another weekend is over...I'm still single, I'm a week older than I was the last Sunday and the only thing ahead of me is another 50 hour work week.

Today was a particularly crappy Sunday to be honest. Last night I went to a party with friends and then went to the bars and what not and I had a friend of mine admit something to me. Evidently when the ex and I broke up, two of my friends ran into the ex at a bar (one of the only times anyone has seen the ex since the split) and the ex told them something about something that happened in our relationship, and was using this as part of the "problem" that we were having and why he ended things. First of all, what was told was totally blown out of proportion and the story was so ridiculously one sided and delivered to put me in a very negative light. I was devastated when I heard this. I could not believe that the ex would have said something like that to one of my friends. And I was kind of hurt that my friends never told me about this. Although they totally blew it off and paid no attention to what the ex said, I still thought they should have told me. Maybe they were trying to protect me. There were SO many things that were not going well in our relationship and so many issues and to have him sum it all up in one sentence, blowing something out or proportion with the intent being to paint me as an asshole, it just killed me.

Overall, I think that the breakup was "amicable," if any breakup can really be called that. I was absolutely crushed, heartbroken and really felt like I had been fooled into believing this person cared about me. But overall, it was never UGLY when we broke up. I tried to not be a raging bitch even though I felt like he was doing the wrong thing by leaving. I tried to be nice about everything even though my heart completely sunk as he packed his things and walked out of our apartment for the last time. And he seemed so cold and unemotional, but at least was flexible with everything that had to happen. So to hear that he would have said something so obviously intended to hurt me, it did just that. I've been thinking about it all day and it's just another thing that makes me think I didn't really know him at all.

I just wish I didn't care. I wish he didn't matter to me. All this has done is make me feel like even more of a fool for still missing him and still hating everything that happened. But I think now I know that no matter how much I miss him, no matter how much I still feel so down about him not being in my life and how much I know I still truly love him, I don't think I could ever have him back in my life. Of course that should work out just fine since he obviously is content not being in my life.

I also watched Million Dollar Baby today. I had never seen it and never had a real desire to. Something about Hilary Skank rubs me the wrong way. In any case, the movie was actually really good, but totally a sobfest. I had no idea it was going to get so ugly. It was sad. I cried. Oh and Grey's Anatomy had me balling tonight too. Seriously, Sundays are totally downers.

Maureen Oh Maureen

I would so sleep with Maureen Dowd.

If I liked that sorta thing.

She just said, "it's all a red herring" which makes me think of Clue which is one of the best movies ever.

Anyway - there's your random thought for the day.

The Hunt for Red October Ends

Well today was the day friends. After work I made a concerted effort to call the Russian on my way out of the office and asked if he wanted to meet me at the neighborhood Starbucks to chit chat. So after taking the metro to the 'hood and then waltzing down to Starbucks, I took my seat near the windows so I could see him coming and tried to dry the beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I'm always a bucket of sweat coming out of the metro during the winter. I hate being all bundled up but then having to climb up those damn escalators (that are never actually working) and then add onto that the fact that the temperature at Starbucks was like 105 degrees. Ugh. Luckily by the time he got there, I had chugged my Mocha Frap and was patiently pretending to be doing something on my phone when he arrived. We had both just left work so I looked like a typical DC suited dorkass mofo and he was dressed very svelt in business casual attire. We chatted for like an hour, great conversation. The accent is so cute. He looks very Russian. I'm not really sure what that means but when I look at him, I think he definitely looks Russian. In any case, it's not a bad thing. We walked back towards our buildings (since we do live next door to each other) and he said to let him know what I'm doing this weekend.

So anyway. There you go. The Cold War is over. We'll see if this era of Detente lasts and prospers to the point where the Americans are "in bed" with the Russians. Holla.

The Russian Strikes Back: Part Tri

Speaking of the Soviets, the Russian and I still haven't managed to go out. I'm thinking maybe its for the best. I'm totally not interested in trying to date anyone right now and as convenient as it would be considering he lives across the street (yes, I know, this makes it even less logical that we can't seem to meet up), I just am not sure I'm really over the ex. In fact, I'm sure I'm in no way over the ex. In any case, it seems more likely Soviet troops will parachute onto the playground and cart me off to a concentration camp than the Russian and I will manage to get together for a cup of coffee.

We shall see. My eternal laziness is hindering my ability to get a proper snogging, that is for sure.

Red Dawn

Okay it's 12:30am and I should totally be in bed but I just ran across the movie Red Dawn. This movie came out in 1984, which incredibly enough was 22 years ago! Um, how the hell was that 22 years ago!? This movie is 22 years old! Shit. I was, well, let's just say I was a very young child when this movie came out. I remember it scaring the shit out of me watching it back then thinking that any second, the Soviet army would be parachuting down onto the playground and taking us all to concentration camps. It is so amazing to think about how realistic that seemed then and how completely absurd it seems today. I mean, am I mistaken or in this movie, the Soviets are assisted by Mexico in taking over the United States? As if. Man, the 80s really were a fucked up decade.

I will however say that Charlie Sheen and Patrick Swayze are friggin' hot in this movie. And it's nice to see Jennifer Grey's old nose again.

The Russian Strikes Back: Part Dva (that's two in Russian)

So I listened to the voicemail. Evidently his plans for Wednesday got pushed to Thursday (not sure why he didn't call yesterday to ask me if I was free but whatever). Then he was all like, give me a call, I'll be up until 1am. I hope you're still up, I hope to talk to you. Then I smiled. The accent is just too cute.

I'm totally not calling though. A lady never calls after 9pm. Unless its for phone sex. And we're just not that close yet.

The Russian Strikes Back

Okay so earlier this week, the Russian mentioned us getting together tonight. So finally I decided to just do it. So I sent him an email today at work saying that I was going to the gym then maybe we could grab coffee around 9pm since I was going to be a lady on the first date. I don't eat on dates (or ever) so dinner was not an option. He had suggested we go to a bar, but I declined because I'm a lady and when the drinks go down, the legs go up.

WELL...believe it or not, I never heard back from him. I specifically gave him my number just to be sure he got it. My phone just rang. It is 11:15pm. I recognize the number as his. It just indicated I have voicemail. I can't wait to hear this.

I'll get back to you. I guess I deserve this since I stood him up twice so far. But I'm a socialite and a drunk. Chances are I was intoxicated.

Oh No She Didn't

Um, I totally just found out that some twat has a website also called No Sex and the City!

She gonna get snatched up by her nappy weave and tossed on her ass.

Actually this site appears to be older than mine so I guess technically I stole the name. But whatever, that site is written by females. Females not having sex in the city isn't anything interesting. Gay men not having sex in the city is far more intriguing a phenomenon.

I'm still pissed. For a second I thought I was being original.

Almost Paradise

My new expression: "I smell like paradise y'all."

Props to Flawless from AI for this...well....flawless expression. Sorry it's back to the trailer park for ya...better luck next year!

No West Wing

Okay so I thought I would add yet another series to my ever growing list of season passes on TiVo. I recorded Commander in Chief this evening, after seeing Geena Davis win a Golden Globe and hearing rave reviews of this show. Well I am currently 40 minutes into my first episode and all I can say is this is a half ass, poorly written, second rate version of West Wing, with shitty acting to boot. West Wing is one of my favorite shows on television and is one of the most brilliantly written shows ever. I am devastated that this is the last season of West Wing. I will however say that no matter how much I may miss a glimpse into the Oval Office, Commander in Chief will not replace West Wing on my TiVo!

Two thumbs up yer butt as far as I'm concerned. The only redeemable part of this show is Zack from Saved by the Bell trying to work my loins with his hotness and Natasha Henstridge working those fierce Jimmy Choos.

Seacrest Out...well almost.

Ryan Seacrest is so gay.

End of story.

Ghost of Relationships Past

It's funny, ya know, how we keep old things laying around that remind us of past relationships. Old photos that you can't seem to take out of the frame. A shirt that is obviously not yours hanging in the closet that you just won't throw out or return. A stuffed animal that you were given that still has a place on your bed. How long does it take before you can let go of those things? It seems silly to keep things around that serve no other purpose but to remind you that you loved and were loved and aren't anymore.

It's like someone very smart once said, "When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost? Or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past?"

Quizzical

Props to Rantings and Ravings of D-Town for this blog quiz:

Okay, time for a blog quiz:

Four jobs you’ve had in your life: social butterfly and diva extraordinaire

Four movies you could watch over and over: Drop Dead Gorgeous, A Christmas Story, The House of Yes, Party Girl

Four places you’ve lived: VA (three cities in VA) and DC

Four TV shows you love to watch: Sex and the City, West Wing, SNL, Simpsons

Four places you’ve been on vacation: Puerto Rico, London, Paris and Palm Springs

Four websites you visit daily: Pink is the New Blog, CNN.com, GMAIL and this one of course!

Four of your favorite foods: chips 'n salsa/queso, burritos, pizza, yogurt

Four places you’d rather be: anywhere where there are cocktails

Four albums you can’t live without: Sarah McLachlan's Fumbling, Surfacing, Afterglow and Tori Amos' From the Choirgirl Hotel

Four magazines you read: MacWorld, US, Out, Architectural Digest

Four cars you’ve owned: too revealing - but I drive a German car.

Stander Upper

So no coffee with the Russian. I've gone out with coworkers the last two nights and gotten drunk. And I'm fighting a cold. I'm now in the uncontrollable coughing stage. I keep standing up the Russian. I'm just not sure I'm ready to deal with another human being, at least not on a "date" or anything.

I'll be taking a trip to a tropical island in a few months. Time for me to get back on that bulemia bandwagon. I'm going to go and when I come back, skinny and tan and ready for the summer, DC better watch out. Until then I'm going to hole up in my apartment, starving myself and limiting all activity to smoking, drinking and watching porn. :)

Oh it's 5pm. I haven't showered and have only been up four hours. I think I need to try to do something productive.

Wicked

Just a quick post to let everyone know I threw on my finest and headed down to the Kennedy Center for some culture. Well...the closest thing to culture one can get on a Tuesday at the Kennedy Center. A very nice friend of mine wrangled three tickets for myself, her and one other friend to go see Wicked tonight and it was great. I was surprised by how many of my coworkers had never heard of Wicked. Then I realized that they are all straight. We had great seats, the show was awesome (much better than I expected). The best part however was this plain jane type girl who sat beside me with her boyfriend, who had more lace in his drawers than Nathan Lane, who every single time someone starting singing a song, she would sit up in the edge of her seat, clasp her hands together in obvious jubilation as if for some reason she wasn't expecting to hear that song...even though we all know the bitch has been dancing around to the soundtrack in her bedroom for six months now and knows every word to it. In any case, she had moist panties when she left she was so damned happy to see the play. I am just real happy for her that she had one moment of pleasure before she finds out her boyfriend prefers cock to clit. We did have a good time picturing her home later that night, ass up in bed with a wicked shirt on, a black pointy hat and a green face belting out Defying Gravity while getting ass fucked by her gay boyfriend.

Oh and for later - coffee with a Russian. More to come.

And another thing...

If you ask for someone's number, you better fucking use it.

Panic

I think the worst part of a failed relationship, especially when you are not the one who chose to end that relationship, are the irrational, insane feelings that come along with all of the thoughts that race through your head. At any random point in the day, when I take just a second to stop thinking about whatever else I'm doing, my thoughts immediately go to him. Often times these thoughts center on what he might be doing that very moment. Where he is, who he is with, whether he at any time of the day thinks about me like I think about him. The worst part of all this is when I think about whether he is dating someone. Or even worse, just sleeping around. When I have those thoughts, my heart begins to speed up, I begin to tremble and this complete fog comes over me...I feel the worst panic and anxiety I've ever felt. The idea that he is touching someone else, kissing someone else, screwing someone else. Wondering if he cares about them. If he cares about them more than he did me. Wondering how he could be with someone else and not want to be with me. I really thought that with time the moments would pass and I wouldn't stop to think about him as much. But they don't pass. I thought with time the intensity with which I feel this panic and dread would diminish. But it hasn't. I can't seem to shake him. I can't seem to move on. The panic is the worst part of all this. I see him online sometimes. I fight the urge to message him and ask him how he is. I wonder if he feels the same urge. When he signs off, or goes idle, I wonder what he is doing. The panic sets in. Panic. Panic. Panic. Heart beating faster. Faster. Faster. Tears welling up in my eyes. Dread. Panic.

And then I pop a xanax and have a cocktail and order is restored.

Imaginary Whore

Okay so here it is, Tuesday night and I've downed some Chipotle and am now watching the TBS episodes of Sex and the City. Trust me, they edit everything good out. But in this episode I realized that I'm an imaginary whore. Carrie and Charlotte are sitting outside and tallying up all the men they'd fuck...though not really, just in their imagination. Well Carrie is trying to pretend she's all picky and what not and Charlotte is steady saying, mmmhmm, I'd fuck him...oh I'd fuck him too. So Carrie calls her an imaginary whore. I realized that I am an imaginary whore. I am always on the train going, yeah I'd fuck him...oh and I'd fuck him too. I'm not sure if it's just because I haven't had any in a while...or it could be that I'm just a real whore and the only imaginary part is that I haven't actually fucked them...yet.

Anyway, Tuesdays suck. I heard another bar in DC that I frequent went smoke free. Fuckers. It's a good thing I get free drinks or they could forget seeing my ass in there. I guess I should get used to it since 2007 means a smoke free DC. I'll just have to save my money for some cute jackets to wear out in the freezing cold when I'm smoking, shivering and hissing at faggots who walk by pleased the bars are smoke free.

A New Year, A New Life

First off, Happy New Year! Here's to 2006 not being half as crazy and unfortunate as 2005!

As this year starts, I'm beginning to realize that my life is going to be a lot different from here on out. I guess for the last few months I have really been hanging on to something that isn't there anymore...something that isn't going to return. People kept telling me that it will get better with time...things won't seem so hopeless. I guess I know deep down they are right. Things truly aren't as tough as they have been. I can get through the day without crying or wanting to give up on life. I still think about him just about any second my mind isn't caught up thinking about other things like work, or friends or oh my god look at those shoes, I must have them. I'm nowhere near over it, nowhere near moved on by any stretch of the imagination...but I think I've at least taken a step in the right direction. I miss him every day. I really do. It takes every ounce of willpower I have not to call him or send him an email. But it's a new year. He's not coming back and I have accepted that. 2006 will not be a year of pouting and moping!

This weekend was pretty good. New Years always seems to be some huge ordeal...where should I go, what's going on, who's going to be there, what do I wear, god why did I eat so much over the holidays, I can't quite seem to fit in these jeans, where's the booze. And you spend so much time figuring it out that the next thing you know, it's over, you've got a massive headache and a new year has started which signals that you're going to turn another year older soon! I partied with my friends this weekend...we had fun. And on the very first night of the year, I went out again with friends and actually had a guy ask for my digits. He seems nice, is certainly cute...so we'll see. He took the digits and sent a text message later saying he was glad to have met me. :) The bitch can still work it!

Well here's to a new year. My resolution is to try to be happy...as much and as often as possible. Happy New Year!